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cdoris
posté 21/09/2005 16:38
Message #41


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Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?


















Give up?


















It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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cdoris
posté 21/09/2005 16:39
Message #42


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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
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rol
posté 21/09/2005 16:39
Message #43


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(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)
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cdoris
posté 22/09/2005 11:38
Message #44


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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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cdoris
posté 22/09/2005 11:38
Message #45


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"What makes a man feel happy:
when he is 7 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed
when he is 17 - to be able to make love
when he is 25 - to find a good wife
when he is 35 - to have a happy family and good job
when he is 45 - to have a good job and happy family
when he is 55 - to find a good wife
when he is 65 - to be able to make love
when he is 75 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed"
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cdoris
posté 22/09/2005 11:38
Message #46


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HUNTSVILLE, Ala.- NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech city are stunned and infuriated after the Alabama state legislature narrowly passed a law Monday redefining pi, a mathematical constant used widely in the aerospace industry. The bill to change the value of pi to exactly three was introduced without fanfare by Leonard Lee Lawson (R, Crossville), and rapidly gained support after a letter-writing campaign by members of the Solomon Society, a traditional values group. Governor Fob James says he will sign it into law on Wednesday.
The law took the state's engineering community by surprise. "It would have been nice if they had consulted with someone who actually uses pi," said Dr. Marshall Bergman, a manager at the Ballistic Missile Defense Organization. According to Bergman, pi is a Greek letter used to signify the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. It is often used by engineers to calculate missile trajectories.
Prof. Kim Johanson, a mathematician from University of Alabama, said that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers. Johanson explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly. Nevertheless, she said, pi is precisely defined by mathematics to be "3.14159, plus as many more digits as you have time to calculate."
"I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational, and it is time for them to admit it," said Lawson. "The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the altar font in Solomon's Temple was ten cubits across and thirty cubits in diameter, and that it was round in compass." Lawson also called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the exact answer could harm students' self-esteem. "We need to return to some absolutes in our society," he said. "The Bible does not say that the font was thirty-something cubits. Plain reading says thirty cubits. Period."
Science actually supports Lawson, explained Russell Humbleys, a propulsion technician at the Marshall Spaceflight Center who testified in support of the bill before the legislature in Montgomery last week. "Pi is merely an artifact of Euclidean geometry." Humbleys is working on a theory which he says will prove that pi is determined by the geometry of three-dimensional space, which is assumed by physicists to be "isotropic," or the same in all directions.
"There are other geometries, and pi is different in every one of them," said Humbleys. "Scientists have arbitrarily assumed that space is Euclidean. A circle drawn on a spherical surface has a different value for the ratio of circumference to diameter. Anyone with a compass, flexible ruler, and globe can see this for themselves. It's not exactly rocket science."
Roger Learned, a Solomon Society member who was in Montgomery to support the bill, agrees. He said that pi is nothing more than an assumption by the mathematicians and engineers who were there to argue against the bill. "Those nabobs waltzed into the capital with an arrogance that was breathtaking," Learned said. "Their predatorial deficit resulted in a polemical stance at absolute contraposition to the legislature's puissance."
Some education experts believe that the legislation will affect the way math is taught to Alabama's children. One member of the state school board, Lily Ponja, is anxious to get the new value of pi into the state's math textbooks, but thinks that the old value should be retained as an alternative. "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations." She looks forward to the day when students will have the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.
Dr. Robert S. Dietz, a professor at Arizona State University who has followed the controversy, wrote that this is not the first time a state legislature has attempted to redefine the value of pi. A legislator in the state of Indiana unsuccessfully attempted to have that state set the value of pi to three. According to Dietz, the lawmaker was exasperated by the calculations of a mathematician who carried pi to four hundred decimal places and still could not achieve a rational number.
Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over pi between traditional values supporters and the technical elite. Solomon Society member Lawson agrees. "We just want to return pi to its traditional value," he said, "which, according to the Bible, is three."
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cdoris
posté 23/09/2005 09:44
Message #47


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Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the " tomorrow ". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. Remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
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cdoris
posté 23/09/2005 09:45
Message #48


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I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poen threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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cdoris
posté 23/09/2005 09:46
Message #49


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A good laugh.......

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had ********** with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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cdoris
posté 27/09/2005 17:37
Message #50


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Subject: Who wants to be a pig?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have ********** for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of..?????)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares, I want to be a Pig!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates ********** by ripping the male's head off. (" Honey, I'm home. What the.... ")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.
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cdoris
posté 27/09/2005 17:38
Message #51


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An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:
5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.
4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.
Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
A reply from one of the recipients:
" I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/t© where
p is the probability of carpet impact
s is the " stain " value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t© and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. "
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cdoris
posté 27/09/2005 17:38
Message #52


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Enjoy girls !!!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, " Lord, I have a problem! "
" What's the problem, Eve? "
" Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy. "
" Why is that, Eve? " came the reply from above.
" Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples. "
" Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. "
" What's a 'man', Lord? "
" This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "
" Sounds great, " says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
" What's the catch, Lord? "
" As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman. "
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rol
posté 28/09/2005 03:58
Message #53


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(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo.gif)
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cdoris
posté 28/09/2005 07:58
Message #54


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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..
4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..
6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
8. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
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cdoris
posté 28/09/2005 07:59
Message #55


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Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical and the other one is known as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.......
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two 'Hail Mary's.....the rest of you...reflect!!!!!!!!)
Have a nice day
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cdoris
posté 28/09/2005 07:59
Message #56


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There was a boy, Jim Mathers, who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. Jim told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. Jim said he would go ask his manager about the matter. Jim walked into the back room and said, " There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. " As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, " and this gentleman wants to buy the other half. " The manager OK'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on Jim and said, " You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from, son? " Jim replied, "Bath, sir. " " Oh really?
Why did you leave Bath? " asked the manager. Jim replied, " They're all just whores and rugby players down there. "
" My wife is from Bath!! "
Jim replied, " Really? What team did she play for? "
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cdoris
posté 30/09/2005 10:37
Message #57


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Joke of the Day: " Clinton and the Pope "

Clinton and the Pope
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late
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cdoris
posté 30/09/2005 10:41
Message #58


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Subject : top 10 reasons

As a European, this beats the usual Irish /Polish jokes and although I am not sure what a 'hafartalli' is, I did see the guy described last time I was in Abdoun.....

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING LEBANESE
10. You can easily be gay, all you have to do is SPEAK UP.
9. You can always get to celebrate other nation's victory, cause you don't have any.
8. You don't have to please your boss cause that's your wife's job.
7. Your wife will always remember you when she wakes up; she needs to get back home!
6. You don't have to worry about building your country, that's Saudi's job.
5. You don't have to worry about defending your country, that's Syria's job.
4. You can be the ugliest woman on earth and still have Arab men fall for you.
3. You can always suck up to people, especially the French, and be considered diplomatic.
2. You can be multilingual (Arabic, French, English and Armen) but you don't really belong to any.
1. No career? No problem. Be a pimp. That is if you are not already.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING EGYPTIAN
10. Your voice sucks? Don't worry, you can still be a famous singer.
9. You are ugly? No problem. Try being a movie star.
8. You can easily be distinguished in a million, all you have to do is speak English.
7. You can always live in the past and don't suffer the agonizing present.
6. You don't have to exercise, you'll get fat anyway.
5. You don't have to use condoms, they don't work anyway.
4. You can visit Israel, and still claim that it is your enemy.
3. You can be the Arabs political leader, and be led at home.
2. You can raise your voice and yell and still be considered normal.
1. You are NOT the descendant of Pharos.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING YEMENI
10. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
9. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
8. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
7. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
6. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
5. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
4. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
3. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
2. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
1. You can NOT do anything but chewing opium and drowse.

This is the top 10 ways to recognize a Jordanian 'hafartalli':
1) Usually found, for no specific reason, hanging around in Abdoon.
2) Seen with one of 2 hair styles: either the slicked back, greasy look or the poufed up 'sishwar' look usually with a kookoo hanging down from his forehead.
3) In winter tucks his sweater in his trousers. In summer is usually wearing a tight white T-shirt to display his non-existent muscles (ou la tinsoo jeans Abu_khattain).
4) Seems to be fond of carrying around a toothpick in his mouth (reason still unknown).
5) At the occasion of a female passing by, one of the following reactions is observed, calls out a stupid and irrelevant remark, such as:"yil3an 3umri", "yis3id allah", "eish ya 7alawah", and so on... or suddenly decides to sing at the top of his lungs.....or struts around showing off something he doesn't have.........or stares at he female like she's the only one he's seen in 22 years.
6) Is usually wearing a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small.
7) If a car is available to the hafartalli, it can most often be found on the streets of Amman with the radio turned on full volume with a bandanna and a CD hanging from the front mirror and they listen to Arabic songs (kamannana) and things like that
(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/glass1.gif) Extremely fond of flashy jewellery. Favourite style of sunshades: blue reflective lenses that allow his eyes to roam freely.
9) Can be smelt at a distance of 10 metres: either sweat or loads of cheap perfume.
10) If a hafartalli is lucky enough to have a 'wasta' to get him into university, it usually takes him more than 6 years to graduate.

> ** please do not mistake a REAL hafartalli with a hafartalli wannabe. A wannabe hafartalli only has SOME of these characteristics. .a REAL hafartalli displays them ALL and MORE!
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cdoris
posté 30/09/2005 10:45
Message #59


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Membre no 22



Subject: Is the human race degenerating?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
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joanne192
posté 01/10/2005 13:18
Message #60


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Icône de groupe

Groupe : Membres actifs
Messages : 1.242
Inscrit : 23/05/2003
Lieu : nord Cotentin
Membre no 44



million, billion, trillion, zillion....etc

Enjoy !

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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who'd have kids ? just a joke!


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