who'd have kids ? just a joke!

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in
and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to
make the Van Gogh."

___________________________________________________________________________

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

___________________________________________________________________________

>GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
>2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
>4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
>5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
>6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
>7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
>2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
>4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
>2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
>4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
>5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
>6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short. Dance naked

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

The Israeli Doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
The German Doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The Russian Doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
Not to be outdone, the American Doctor says, "You guys are way behind. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

* LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER*

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I
know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Don't mess with Old People...

Eh oui, très macho, mais....que deviens-tu Cdoris ? plus de blagues ?

Un grand classique : excellente !

Mes sources d'approvisionnement anglo-saxonnes sont actuellement silencieuses (en dehors de toi ), mais tout va bien !

Eh bien, rien depuis le 17 août ? Je suis très étonnée!

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Désolé, mes sources semblent presque taries

Mais pas complètement

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?
The chief replied, "She was my bike."

Excellent!!

Zen for those who take life too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was not familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 90 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird! may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Après ça, c'est fini pour le moment !

Equivalent de la blague belge:

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had
the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.


Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"







"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."




@ cdoris: number 36 is so true !!

You're right !

Enjoy this! At least we have all our limbs...! ( At least , I think so, maybe YOU haven't...glups)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs .
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman said, ' Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No".

..






She said "You will be when the tide comes in

I've got some

Not all ?

Let me check : 1, 2, 3, 4...

5 ?

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses"

The defendant smiled.







With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Hello Joanne192,
As you are speaking very well english, maybe you shoud propose to built a new part of the forum to give us some english lessons.

Pffffffff. je me suis déchiré là pour faire une phrase en anglais. Si il y a des fautes faut me le dire, j'ai décidé de me remettre à l'anglais... depuis 2 minutes.

First a joke that made me laugh out loud!!

A Nightie To Remember . . . ( a nightie is alovely shirt ladies sometimes wear to sleep )


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.


He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.







Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd
at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.


Well done Fabrick! However, I have spent my life giving English lessons! Now I don't have to, so I'll just put in jokes from time to time! But if you like, you can write in English and I'll correct it.

Are you sure ? Because i wouldn't give to you a lot of work, because my english is not very good... for exemple, I have never understood how to use "may" in sentence with verbs...

You should try, it may work

Ah! Well done Cdoris! Actually Fabrick, many AngloSaxons live very well without using ' may ' !! You can/may use 'might' instead, or ' can'.
edit: I have to remind you that the first person singular is ALWAYS a capital I !!

Ok I will try to use correctly may or might... and always use the I Capital for the first person singular...

C'est fou comme je progresse à une vitesse...

You are not progressing yet! That was an easy lesson!! however, you may (! ) enjoy this, which I believe I have already posted.

url=http://www.jesusandmo.net/2006/08/21/know/

In these times of Political Correctness, these comics are extremely refreshing, I find! ( Mo: Mahomet, for the slow thinkers ...) I really do recommend them. They are published in a rationalist Mag i.e. non- and even anti- religious. So, Enjoy!

edit: I think that smiley called ninja looks like a veiled woman....

The Old Poodle

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Excellent !

Do you know Ali G ?

See: http://youtube.com and search for "Ali G"

About feminism :
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oftOCN1jkNo

Excellent! But is that woman really taking him seriously ?

Sure !

It's just like Raphaël Mezrahi, trying to trap people.

It's amazing how people can keep calm in such situations.

Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyy...
Guess who's back ???
am I wrong or is it a topic that you've alrady talked about in French translated ??!!??

You're perfectly right

Here are some fascinating quotations!
Bushisms


Adventures in George W. Bushspeak


"The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done." --George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words." --George W. Bush, interview with Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 1, 2006

"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." --George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

Maria Bartiromo: "I'm curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?"
President Bush: "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes." --interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo, Oct. 24, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"We're never been stay the course, George." --George W. Bush, attempting to distance himself from what has been his core strategy in Iraq for the last three years, interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, Oct. 22, 2006

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th." --George W. Bush, on the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." --George W. Bush, on holding six-party talks with North Korea, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006

"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --George W. Bush, talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there's a strong will for democracy." --George W. Bush, interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Sept. 24, 2006
"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions." --George W. Bush, meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, N.Y., Sept. 18, 2006

"The Patriot Act has increased the flow of information within our government and it has helped break up terrorist cells in the United States of America. And the United States Congress was right to renew the terrorist act -- the Patriot Act." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. , Sept. 7, 2006

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares. ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list." --George W. Bush, interview with NBC's Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006

"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." --George W. Bush, talking to reporters along the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast, Gulfport, Miss., Aug. 28, 2006

"I would guess, I would surmise that some of the more spectacular bombings are done by al Qaeda suiciders." --George W. Bush, on violence in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Aug. 21, 2006

"The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks." --George W. Bush, McLean, Va., Aug. 15, 2006

"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over." --George W. Bush, chomping on a dinner roll while talking about the Middle East crisis with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, St. Petersburg, Russia, July 17, 2006

"One thing is clear, is relations between America and Russia are good, and they're important that they be good." --George W. Bush, Strelna, Russia, July 15, 2006

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006

"We shouldn't fear a world that is more interacted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 27, 2006

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

"I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it." --George W. Bush, Omaha, Neb., June 7, 2006

"Trying to stop suiciders -- which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion -- is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 24, 2006

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." --George W. Bush, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" --George W. Bush, while showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"Finally, the desk, where we'll have our picture taken in front of -- is nine other Presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's called, A Charge To Keep, based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2006

"I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." --George W. Bush, Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

"I aim to be a competitive nation." --George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it -- I'm going to repeat what I said before -- I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." --George W. Bush, Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006

"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." --George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006

"After the bombing, most Iraqis saw what the perpetuators of this attack were trying to do." --George W. Bush, on the bombing of the Golden Mosque of Samarra in Iraq, March 13, 2006, Washington, D.C.

"And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level." --George W. Bush, on medical liability reform, Washington, D.C., March 10, 2006

"I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." --George W. Bush, mistakenly identifying Pakistan as an Arab country, Islamabad, Pakistan, March 3, 2006

"People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." --George W. Bush, on the deal to hand over U.S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2006

"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." --George W. Bush, defending a plan to allow a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to--the beauty of playing baseball." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." --George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go -- you know -- I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." --George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"It's a heck of a place to bring your family." --George W. Bush, on New Orleans, New Orleans, La., Jan. 12, 2006

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

.. or how to give an headache ..

Great

I travel to the states on Sunday. Do you think I should take a copy of it to show at the custom?

Probably not a good idea!!

I didn't

And I attended a lecture by a greater orator : Al Gore

He started: "I am Al Gore, the former next president of the United States of America..."
... 4 to 5 thousand people laughing...
"... I don't find it funny!"

Later on:"I used to travel on Air Force two... Now, I have to remove my shoes to get into the plane!"

What a sense of humour !!!!
I'm not sure I could laugh about it if I was him...

(Sure I'll do, but it's just to say it )

In flight

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported :

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

To be continued...

Great!!! All my colleagues love it

Here's a little more aviation humour! Just as well the passengers don't hear all this!!

*Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers*_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Tower:* "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees"

*TWA 2341:* "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"

*Tower:* "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
a 727?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*
>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:* "I'm
f...ing bored!"

*Ground Traffic Control:* "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

*Unknown aircraft:* "I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:* "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

*United 329:* "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A flight student became lost during a solo cross-country flight
*
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked:* "What was
your last known position?"
*
Student:* "When I was number one for takeoff."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

*San Jose Tower Noted:* "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:
*
Lufthansa (in German):* " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

*Ground (in English):* "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
*
Lufthansa (in English):* "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

*Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
*"Because you lost the bloody war!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Tower: * "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
*
Eastern 702:* "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

*Tower:* "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
*
BR Continental 635:* "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

*Speedbird 206:* "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206, clear of active runway."

*Ground:* "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

*Ground:* "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

*Speedbird 206:* "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."!

*Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):* "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

*Speedbird 206 (coolly):* "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

*An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:* "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!" *

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:* "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

And even if they're not true, they're a great laugh!!

Some Christmas puns - I don't get all of them, maybe Cdoris can help ?


"Santa Groaners"

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Claus after he's fallen
into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle. (??)

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes
Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his
manners the most?
"Rude"olph.

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while
sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia.

The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa
Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of
chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer
with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Voted best Irish joke of 2006



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Excellent !

Happy New Year !

In flight... continued !

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 261 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

To be continued

Excellent !

Seen on tee shirts


(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush

1/20/09: End of an Error

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Jail to the Chief

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

Already Against the Next War

Pray For Impeachment

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

My Dog Pees On Bushes

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

Nixon Resigned