An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:
5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.
4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.
Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
A reply from one of the recipients:
" I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/t© where
p is the probability of carpet impact
s is the " stain " value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t© and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. "

Enjoy girls !!!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, " Lord, I have a problem! "
" What's the problem, Eve? "
" Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy. "
" Why is that, Eve? " came the reply from above.
" Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples. "
" Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. "
" What's a 'man', Lord? "
" This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "
" Sounds great, " says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
" What's the catch, Lord? "
" As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman. "

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..
4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..
6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
8. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical and the other one is known as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.......
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two 'Hail Mary's.....the rest of you...reflect!!!!!!!!)
Have a nice day

There was a boy, Jim Mathers, who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. Jim told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. Jim said he would go ask his manager about the matter. Jim walked into the back room and said, " There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. " As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, " and this gentleman wants to buy the other half. " The manager OK'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on Jim and said, " You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from, son? " Jim replied, "Bath, sir. " " Oh really?
Why did you leave Bath? " asked the manager. Jim replied, " They're all just whores and rugby players down there. "
" My wife is from Bath!! "
Jim replied, " Really? What team did she play for? "

Joke of the Day: " Clinton and the Pope "

Clinton and the Pope
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late

Subject : top 10 reasons

As a European, this beats the usual Irish /Polish jokes and although I am not sure what a 'hafartalli' is, I did see the guy described last time I was in Abdoun.....

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING LEBANESE
10. You can easily be gay, all you have to do is SPEAK UP.
9. You can always get to celebrate other nation's victory, cause you don't have any.
8. You don't have to please your boss cause that's your wife's job.
7. Your wife will always remember you when she wakes up; she needs to get back home!
6. You don't have to worry about building your country, that's Saudi's job.
5. You don't have to worry about defending your country, that's Syria's job.
4. You can be the ugliest woman on earth and still have Arab men fall for you.
3. You can always suck up to people, especially the French, and be considered diplomatic.
2. You can be multilingual (Arabic, French, English and Armen) but you don't really belong to any.
1. No career? No problem. Be a pimp. That is if you are not already.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING EGYPTIAN
10. Your voice sucks? Don't worry, you can still be a famous singer.
9. You are ugly? No problem. Try being a movie star.
8. You can easily be distinguished in a million, all you have to do is speak English.
7. You can always live in the past and don't suffer the agonizing present.
6. You don't have to exercise, you'll get fat anyway.
5. You don't have to use condoms, they don't work anyway.
4. You can visit Israel, and still claim that it is your enemy.
3. You can be the Arabs political leader, and be led at home.
2. You can raise your voice and yell and still be considered normal.
1. You are NOT the descendant of Pharos.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING YEMENI
10. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
9. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
8. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
7. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
6. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
5. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
4. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
3. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
2. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
1. You can NOT do anything but chewing opium and drowse.

This is the top 10 ways to recognize a Jordanian 'hafartalli':
1) Usually found, for no specific reason, hanging around in Abdoon.
2) Seen with one of 2 hair styles: either the slicked back, greasy look or the poufed up 'sishwar' look usually with a kookoo hanging down from his forehead.
3) In winter tucks his sweater in his trousers. In summer is usually wearing a tight white T-shirt to display his non-existent muscles (ou la tinsoo jeans Abu_khattain).
4) Seems to be fond of carrying around a toothpick in his mouth (reason still unknown).
5) At the occasion of a female passing by, one of the following reactions is observed, calls out a stupid and irrelevant remark, such as:"yil3an 3umri", "yis3id allah", "eish ya 7alawah", and so on... or suddenly decides to sing at the top of his lungs.....or struts around showing off something he doesn't have.........or stares at he female like she's the only one he's seen in 22 years.
6) Is usually wearing a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small.
7) If a car is available to the hafartalli, it can most often be found on the streets of Amman with the radio turned on full volume with a bandanna and a CD hanging from the front mirror and they listen to Arabic songs (kamannana) and things like that
Extremely fond of flashy jewellery. Favourite style of sunshades: blue reflective lenses that allow his eyes to roam freely.
9) Can be smelt at a distance of 10 metres: either sweat or loads of cheap perfume.
10) If a hafartalli is lucky enough to have a 'wasta' to get him into university, it usually takes him more than 6 years to graduate.

> ** please do not mistake a REAL hafartalli with a hafartalli wannabe. A wannabe hafartalli only has SOME of these characteristics. .a REAL hafartalli displays them ALL and MORE!

Subject: Is the human race degenerating?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

million, billion, trillion, zillion....etc

Enjoy !

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Very very funny, i laughed out loud, you can ask Rol !!!

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms.
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
What's up love?' he asks
There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically
'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'

A pregnant woman from Cork gets in a car accident and falls into a coma.
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Mayfield came in and named them. " The woman thinks to herself, " No, not my brother... he's an idiot! "
She asks him, " Well, what's the girl's name? "
"Denise. "
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name? "
"Denephew. "

RANDY - THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants to raise chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, " Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. " Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it and buys the bird. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard. Before he lets him go, he decides to give the rooster a little pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun, " the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy actually seemed to understand! The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is delighted. As he goes about his work, the farmer notices a commotion in the duck pen? sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset the farmer spots Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer's starting to worry that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours at this pace!
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.
Saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive - animal, the farmer shakes his head and says, " Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, and now look what you've done to yourself. "
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer... "

And did you like mine ?

Sure, excellent

-A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "DICK".
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response : PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "
" What do they say? " the priest inquired.
They say, " Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "
" That's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. " You know, " he said, " I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time. "
" Thank you, " the woman responded, " this may very well be the solution. "
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: " Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
" Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

Woman without her man, is nothing.
Woman ! Without her, man is nothing!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Back home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds: "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
4.a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. It's cool to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. Pitch up at the 11th hour for major World conflicts.
10. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called baseball.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat very graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer & flooding in Winter.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Ok, give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed
to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Florida Bumper Stickers
Order yours now-we've no idea how many are left.

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Palm Beach County: We put the " duh " in Florida.

Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Possibly the Blonde joke of the year...
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300.00 she exclaimed: But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we expect) **Anything?** he asked. *YES, YES, anything.* the blonde promised. Well, then, just follow me, said the man as he walked towards the next room..
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. *Come in and close the door* the man said. She did. He then said *Now get down on your knees* She did. *Now take down my zipper.* She did. *Now go ahead........take it out.......* he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands......then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered *Well .....go ahead*. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said **Hello, Mom can you hear me?

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every worry you say, talk in your sleep.

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch " sweatshop " onto his shoes.

Here are the responses he got...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word " sweatshop. "
Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made the shoes. Could you please ship them to immediately. Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang ". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that " sweatshop " is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: " a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions " and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is " about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are. " I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that " If you want it done right...build it yourself. " I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti

From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that " Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted ". In addition, it further explains: " While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one.
Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another. " With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks,
Jonah Peretti

<no response

As one forwarder writes:

... this will now go round the world much further and faster than any of the adverts they paid Michael Jordan to make, (which is more than the entire wage packet of all their sweatshop workers in the world).
So as regards forwarding this message.....
JUST DO IT

2000 Darwin Awards
Here are the winners... and boy, are they winners...we saved the best for last, so be sure to read the Grand Prize winner.
The long awaited 2000 Darwin " Natural Selection " Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 2000 " Natural Selection " awards:...
5th Runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubel and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: " Man loses face at party ". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. " Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it ", said Payne. " It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. " " He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off ", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, " I feel so dumb about this ".
Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to " hop " over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

A world survey was done with this question:
" Please, what's your opinion on the lack of food in the rest of the world? "
The result was a failure!!
1 - In Africa no one knew what was " food ";
2 - In Western Europe no one knew what was " Lack ";
3 - In Eastern Europe no one knew what was " opinion ";
4 - In Argentina no one knew what was " Please ";
5 - In the United States of America no one knew what was " rest of the world ".

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. ( Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. ( Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, as opposed to us eating French cheese which smells of feet)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Damn Those Pigs.

You think your job is bad...

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.
An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave.
The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, " You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
The young Airman smiled and said, " Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 35 degrees below zero, the wind is blowing 40 miles an hour and I'm pumping shit from an aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims : "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

J'ai la réponse. Difficile à traduire...
"Serious Burns" veut dire "grands brulés" bien sur mais il se trouve que Burns est le plus grand poète écossais et que les malades citent ses vers...
Les anglophones trouvent la blague pas mal !

In the beginning... God said: " go down into that valley"...
And Adam said: " what is a valley?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Cross the river"... And Adam said: "what is a river?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Go over the hill", and he explained what a hill was...
Then God said : " on the other side of the hill, you'll find a cave"...and again he had to explain what it was...
Then he told Adam: "on the cave, you will find a woman" and Adam said: "what is a woman?" So God explained that to him and said: " I want you to reproduce". And Adam said: "How do I do that?"
And God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down in the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and in the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes, he was back.
God said angrily: " what is it now?"
And Adam said: "what's a headache?"

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

" Cowboys and Lesbians "

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am. " After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, " I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women. " A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian. "

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" she said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me! Can you help me? I promised my friend that I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below nods his head, saying, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going to. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are now in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO, from January 2nd 2002, the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 87.61.

Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing
but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband smiles and replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.
The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
Now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Sérieux ?

I don't know

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...