Subject: Ooops!!



A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.>
> He gave her that "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.>
> Then, noticing his puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.
>> The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!">
> Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
> thought but, maybe one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!>
> He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk and had this wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"













"No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's SCHOOL TEACHER!"

Un jour de rentrée, c'est du propre

Le Théorème de Bill Gates :
"Computers are like air conditioners - They stop working properly when you open Windows"

One day, this guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he meets his first demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - nobiggie-you're already dead.
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Now and then. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....why?
Demon: " Ooooh, " (grimaces) " You're gonna hate Fridays. "

3 Vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
Second vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
The Third Vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of hot water"
The bartender says "Hot water? Why not a cup of blood like your buddies?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon "Tea time!"

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Comprehending Engineers-Take One
*********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, " Where did you get such a great bike? "
The second engineer replied, " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, " Take what you want. "
" The second engineer nodded approvingly, " Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
***********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
Architect: " I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. "
Artist: " I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery found there. "
Engineer: " I like both. "
Architect and Artist: " Both? "
Engineer: " Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
***********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons Civil Engineers build targets.
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
***********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, " Why does it work? " The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, " How does it work? "
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, " How much will it cost? "
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, " Do you want fries with that? "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Excellent

A blonde goes out of her house and checks her mailbox. Seeing nothing she closes the mailbox and goes back into her house. A little while later, she comes back out of her house and once again checks for mail sees nothing, closes the mailbox and goes back in her house. Another little while later, she comes back out and does it again.
Her neighbor noticed this and asked her. "Honey, you must be waiting for an important letter." The blonde replies, "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

"The Mailman's Last Day"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

There is a bartender in his bar cleaning his cups and all of a sudden a homeless guy runs in and shouts "quick quick give me a toothpick quick" so the bartender gives him the toothpick. this same sequence happened about four times until finally another homeless guy comes in going hysterical and asking for a straw quickly. so the bartender says why do you want a straw when everyone else wanted a toothpick. So the homeless guy says "A guy outside vomited and all the chunky bits are gone."

Urgh! Terrible!

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Question:
How does a UNIX Guru do sex?
Answer:
unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

Tout ça pour pouvoir boire une bière et avoir la conscience tranquille

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...
He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, SMART OR DUMB. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH!

" Winterize your lawn, " the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:
" Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. "
" It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass. "
" Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? "
" Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. "
" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy. "
" Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week. "
" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? "
" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. "
" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? "
" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. "
" Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? "
" Yes, sir. "
" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. "
" You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. "
" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. "
" You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away. "
" No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose? "
" After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. "
" And where do they get this mulch? "
" They cut down trees and grind them up. "
" Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? "
" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about... "
" Never mind I think I just heard the whole story. "

[Hush == silence]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

More signs you've had too much of the 90's…

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider Royal Mail painfully slow.

9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

There is a new virus going around, called " work. " If you receive any sort of " work " at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open " work " or even look at " work " have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter " work " via email or are faced with any " work " at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words " I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub. " The "work " should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work " in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work " to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that " work " will no longer be of any relevance to you and that " Scooby Doo " was the greatest cartoon ever.
Please send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the " work " virus has already corrupted your life.

There was this mother who had three daughters.
When the time came for each daughter to get married, she asked them, on their respective wedding days, to write home soon and tell her about their married lives.
The first daughter to get married wrote back only two days after the wedding. The letter consisted of a single message: "MAXWELL COFEEHOUSE".
The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, which said:
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...". So Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and a week later she sent home her reply. The message read: "ROTHMANS". So the Mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and found out it said: "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy.
Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for the expected message to come through. When it did, the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a B.A. ad. At last she found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWICE A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS

Viruses are walking around

University Exam Question
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so " profound " that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
" Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of the beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, " ...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you. ", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only " A " given. "

WHAT HOLE?
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

Subject: Point System

Everything you wanted to know about being a good husband but were lied to by the rest of us. It's called THE POINTS SYSTEM. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.
------------------------------------------
Simple Duties:
You make the bed ............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets .................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ............0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5
In the snow..................................................+8
But return with beer ........................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something .........+5
You pummel it with a six iron...............................+10
It's her pet................................................-10

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party.........................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy.................................... .-2
Named Tiffany................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer .........................................-6
Tiffany has implants ........................................-8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner....................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ....................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ..............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team ................-10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal............................................-5
The pal is happily married ..................................-4
Or frighteningly single .....................................-7
And he drives a Mustang.....................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..............-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes ...........................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ............................+6
You take her to a movie you like ............................-2
It's called DeathCop 3 ......................................-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ......-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to
get rid of it...............................................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts .......................... .-30
You say " It doesn't matter, you have one too " ...........-800

The Big Question: She asks, " Do I look fat? "
You hesitate in responding .................................-10
You reply, " Where? " ......................................-35
Any other response..........................................-20

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression........................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking
at the clock ..............................................+100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ..........-20

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Why It's *Great* to be a Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Blondes are not always dumb!
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000. and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer say, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

SMILE OF THE WEEK
=: Dilbert's Rules of Order :=
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Wife 1.0

-Dear TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, A Troubled User
- Dear USER:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. recommit Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support

Pierre, the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, " Pierre, kiss me! "
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. " What are you doing, Pierre? ", says the startled Marie. " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! "
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, " Pierre, kiss me lower. " Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing? " asks the bewildered Marie, " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! "
They resume their passionate interlude and when things really steam up, Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, " Pierre, kiss me lower! "
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the liquor in her lap.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, " PIERRE, YOU FOOL, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? "
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames! "

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?


















Give up?


















It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

"What makes a man feel happy:
when he is 7 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed
when he is 17 - to be able to make love
when he is 25 - to find a good wife
when he is 35 - to have a happy family and good job
when he is 45 - to have a good job and happy family
when he is 55 - to find a good wife
when he is 65 - to be able to make love
when he is 75 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed"

HUNTSVILLE, Ala.- NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech city are stunned and infuriated after the Alabama state legislature narrowly passed a law Monday redefining pi, a mathematical constant used widely in the aerospace industry. The bill to change the value of pi to exactly three was introduced without fanfare by Leonard Lee Lawson (R, Crossville), and rapidly gained support after a letter-writing campaign by members of the Solomon Society, a traditional values group. Governor Fob James says he will sign it into law on Wednesday.
The law took the state's engineering community by surprise. "It would have been nice if they had consulted with someone who actually uses pi," said Dr. Marshall Bergman, a manager at the Ballistic Missile Defense Organization. According to Bergman, pi is a Greek letter used to signify the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. It is often used by engineers to calculate missile trajectories.
Prof. Kim Johanson, a mathematician from University of Alabama, said that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers. Johanson explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly. Nevertheless, she said, pi is precisely defined by mathematics to be "3.14159, plus as many more digits as you have time to calculate."
"I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational, and it is time for them to admit it," said Lawson. "The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the altar font in Solomon's Temple was ten cubits across and thirty cubits in diameter, and that it was round in compass." Lawson also called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the exact answer could harm students' self-esteem. "We need to return to some absolutes in our society," he said. "The Bible does not say that the font was thirty-something cubits. Plain reading says thirty cubits. Period."
Science actually supports Lawson, explained Russell Humbleys, a propulsion technician at the Marshall Spaceflight Center who testified in support of the bill before the legislature in Montgomery last week. "Pi is merely an artifact of Euclidean geometry." Humbleys is working on a theory which he says will prove that pi is determined by the geometry of three-dimensional space, which is assumed by physicists to be "isotropic," or the same in all directions.
"There are other geometries, and pi is different in every one of them," said Humbleys. "Scientists have arbitrarily assumed that space is Euclidean. A circle drawn on a spherical surface has a different value for the ratio of circumference to diameter. Anyone with a compass, flexible ruler, and globe can see this for themselves. It's not exactly rocket science."
Roger Learned, a Solomon Society member who was in Montgomery to support the bill, agrees. He said that pi is nothing more than an assumption by the mathematicians and engineers who were there to argue against the bill. "Those nabobs waltzed into the capital with an arrogance that was breathtaking," Learned said. "Their predatorial deficit resulted in a polemical stance at absolute contraposition to the legislature's puissance."
Some education experts believe that the legislation will affect the way math is taught to Alabama's children. One member of the state school board, Lily Ponja, is anxious to get the new value of pi into the state's math textbooks, but thinks that the old value should be retained as an alternative. "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations." She looks forward to the day when students will have the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.
Dr. Robert S. Dietz, a professor at Arizona State University who has followed the controversy, wrote that this is not the first time a state legislature has attempted to redefine the value of pi. A legislator in the state of Indiana unsuccessfully attempted to have that state set the value of pi to three. According to Dietz, the lawmaker was exasperated by the calculations of a mathematician who carried pi to four hundred decimal places and still could not achieve a rational number.
Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over pi between traditional values supporters and the technical elite. Solomon Society member Lawson agrees. "We just want to return pi to its traditional value," he said, "which, according to the Bible, is three."

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the " tomorrow ". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. Remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poen threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A good laugh.......

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Subject: Who wants to be a pig?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of..?????)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares, I want to be a Pig!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (" Honey, I'm home. What the.... ")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.