who'd have kids ? just a joke!

-- I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs .


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."


---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but
they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."


---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

It's so true

Excellent.

Here are some for the engineers among you !


Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can stay at the office and get some real work done."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool!

Yeah. ...........

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hier, c'est de l'histoire. Demain, c'est un mystère. Aujourd'hui, c'est un cadeau.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in a different vein :



> A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers
> that she doesn't have correct change for the fare.
>
> The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand
> delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had,
> you'd be nicer to me."
>
> He caves in and lets her ride for free.
>
> She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't
> move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her
> chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.
>
> She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks
> significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and
> get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over
> her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to
> me."
>
> Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in
> comfort.
>
> A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've
> got, anyway?
>
> The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah".




for those of you unfamiliar with this expression, it means ' nerve ' ( je suis " gonflée " )

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - lundi 23 janvier 2006 à 09:29.

You kow what? I'm an engineer

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Excellent.

Et... qu'en dis-tu ?

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his
aides to come near.

"Yes, father," said the aide.

"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Tom DeLay before I die,"
whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, father," replied the
aide. The aide sent the request to the White House and waited for a
response.

Soon the word arrived. Bush and DeLay would be delighted to visit the
priest.

As they went to the hospital, Delay commented to Bush, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image
after the number the Democrats have done on us." Bush couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in
his right hand and DeLay's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Congressman DeLay spoke, "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Bush.

"Amen," said DeLay.

The old priest continued, "He died between two thieves. I would like to
do the same."




I have some really funny pix, how can I put them here?

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - jeudi 26 janvier 2006 à 00:22.

I wonder if you'll understand, with the accent....
After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a
luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the
girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why
not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so
why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all
just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah
come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to
trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Isn't he Buba, the Forrest Gump friend ?

Excellent.

Yeah, he might be. You mean the one who lost the use of his legs and wanted to fish ? I have the cassette. I love that film.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears, to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your hands and face." He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says, very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

No. Buba is the black one who want to be prawn fisher. He has this kind of accent, hasn't he ? By the way, I love that film too.

Yes, you're right.