who'd have kids ? just a joke!

Mais pas complètement

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?
The chief replied, "She was my bike."

Excellent!!

Zen for those who take life too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was not familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 90 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird! may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Après ça, c'est fini pour le moment !

Equivalent de la blague belge:

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had
the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.


Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"







"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."




@ cdoris: number 36 is so true !!

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - lundi 09 octobre 2006 à 12:38.

You're right !

Enjoy this! At least we have all our limbs...! ( At least , I think so, maybe YOU haven't...glups)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs .
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman said, ' Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No".

..






She said "You will be when the tide comes in

I've got some

Not all ?

Let me check : 1, 2, 3, 4...

Ce message a été modifié par Winche - jeudi 12 octobre 2006 à 11:22.

5 ?

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses"

The defendant smiled.







With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Hello Joanne192,
As you are speaking very well english, maybe you shoud propose to built a new part of the forum to give us some english lessons.

Pffffffff. je me suis déchiré là pour faire une phrase en anglais. Si il y a des fautes faut me le dire, j'ai décidé de me remettre à l'anglais... depuis 2 minutes.

First a joke that made me laugh out loud!!

A Nightie To Remember . . . ( a nightie is alovely shirt ladies sometimes wear to sleep )


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.


He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.







Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd
at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.


Well done Fabrick! However, I have spent my life giving English lessons! Now I don't have to, so I'll just put in jokes from time to time! But if you like, you can write in English and I'll correct it.

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - dimanche 05 novembre 2006 à 12:54.

Are you sure ? Because i wouldn't give to you a lot of work, because my english is not very good... for exemple, I have never understood how to use "may" in sentence with verbs...

You should try, it may work

Ah! Well done Cdoris! Actually Fabrick, many AngloSaxons live very well without using ' may ' !! You can/may use 'might' instead, or ' can'.
edit: I have to remind you that the first person singular is ALWAYS a capital I !!

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - lundi 06 novembre 2006 à 21:57.

Ok I will try to use correctly may or might... and always use the I Capital for the first person singular...

C'est fou comme je progresse à une vitesse...

You are not progressing yet! That was an easy lesson!! however, you may (! ) enjoy this, which I believe I have already posted.

url=http://www.jesusandmo.net/2006/08/21/know/

In these times of Political Correctness, these comics are extremely refreshing, I find! ( Mo: Mahomet, for the slow thinkers ...) I really do recommend them. They are published in a rationalist Mag i.e. non- and even anti- religious. So, Enjoy!

edit: I think that smiley called ninja looks like a veiled woman....


Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - lundi 06 novembre 2006 à 23:12.