who'd have kids ? just a joke!

Subject: Ooops!!



A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.>
> He gave her that "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.>
> Then, noticing his puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.
>> The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!">
> Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
> thought but, maybe one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!>
> He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk and had this wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"













"No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's SCHOOL TEACHER!"

Un jour de rentrée, c'est du propre

Le Théorème de Bill Gates :
"Computers are like air conditioners - They stop working properly when you open Windows"

One day, this guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he meets his first demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - nobiggie-you're already dead.
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Now and then. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....why?
Demon: " Ooooh, " (grimaces) " You're gonna hate Fridays. "

3 Vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
Second vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
The Third Vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of hot water"
The bartender says "Hot water? Why not a cup of blood like your buddies?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon "Tea time!"

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Comprehending Engineers-Take One
*********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, " Where did you get such a great bike? "
The second engineer replied, " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, " Take what you want. "
" The second engineer nodded approvingly, " Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
***********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
Architect: " I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. "
Artist: " I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery found there. "
Engineer: " I like both. "
Architect and Artist: " Both? "
Engineer: " Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
***********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons Civil Engineers build targets.
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
***********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, " Why does it work? " The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, " How does it work? "
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, " How much will it cost? "
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, " Do you want fries with that? "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Excellent

A blonde goes out of her house and checks her mailbox. Seeing nothing she closes the mailbox and goes back into her house. A little while later, she comes back out of her house and once again checks for mail sees nothing, closes the mailbox and goes back in her house. Another little while later, she comes back out and does it again.
Her neighbor noticed this and asked her. "Honey, you must be waiting for an important letter." The blonde replies, "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

"The Mailman's Last Day"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

There is a bartender in his bar cleaning his cups and all of a sudden a homeless guy runs in and shouts "quick quick give me a toothpick quick" so the bartender gives him the toothpick. this same sequence happened about four times until finally another homeless guy comes in going hysterical and asking for a straw quickly. so the bartender says why do you want a straw when everyone else wanted a toothpick. So the homeless guy says "A guy outside vomited and all the chunky bits are gone."

Urgh! Terrible!

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.