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Écrit par : joanne_192 02/09/2005 22:25

Subject: Ooops!!



A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.>
> He gave her that "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.>
> Then, noticing his puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.
>> The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!">
> Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he
> thought but, maybe one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!>
> He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk and had this wild crazy ********** on the pool table in front of everyone?"













"No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's SCHOOL TEACHER!"

Écrit par : rol 02/09/2005 22:42

Écrit par : winche 05/09/2005 09:26

Écrit par : lauden 05/09/2005 11:07

Un jour de rentrée, c'est du propre

Écrit par : chessfarrell 07/09/2005 07:23

Écrit par : cdoris 07/09/2005 14:26

Le Théorème de Bill Gates :
"Computers are like air conditioners - They stop working properly when you open Windows"

Écrit par : cdoris 07/09/2005 14:28

One day, this guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he meets his first demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - nobiggie-you're already dead.
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Now and then. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....why?
Demon: " Ooooh, " (grimaces) " You're gonna hate Fridays. "

Écrit par : cdoris 08/09/2005 09:53

3 Vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
Second vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of blood"
The Third Vampire says "Bartender, give me a cup of hot water"
The bartender says "Hot water? Why not a cup of blood like your buddies?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon "Tea time!"

Écrit par : cdoris 08/09/2005 09:54

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Écrit par : rol 08/09/2005 18:13

Écrit par : chessfarrell 08/09/2005 19:54

Écrit par : cdoris 09/09/2005 09:59

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Écrit par : cdoris 09/09/2005 09:59

Comprehending Engineers-Take One
*********************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, " Where did you get such a great bike? "
The second engineer replied, " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, " Take what you want. "
" The second engineer nodded approvingly, " Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't have fit. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
***********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
Architect: " I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. "
Artist: " I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery found there. "
Engineer: " I like both. "
Architect and Artist: " Both? "
Engineer: " Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done. "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
***********************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons Civil Engineers build targets.
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
***********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, " Why does it work? " The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, " How does it work? "
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, " How much will it cost? "
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, " Do you want fries with that? "
***********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
***********************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Écrit par : rol 09/09/2005 12:29

Excellent

Écrit par : cdoris 12/09/2005 10:18

A blonde goes out of her house and checks her mailbox. Seeing nothing she closes the mailbox and goes back into her house. A little while later, she comes back out of her house and once again checks for mail sees nothing, closes the mailbox and goes back in her house. Another little while later, she comes back out and does it again.
Her neighbor noticed this and asked her. "Honey, you must be waiting for an important letter." The blonde replies, "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

Écrit par : cdoris 12/09/2005 10:23

"The Mailman's Last Day"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Écrit par : cdoris 12/09/2005 10:29

There is a bartender in his bar cleaning his cups and all of a sudden a homeless guy runs in and shouts "quick quick give me a toothpick quick" so the bartender gives him the toothpick. this same sequence happened about four times until finally another homeless guy comes in going hysterical and asking for a straw quickly. so the bartender says why do you want a straw when everyone else wanted a toothpick. So the homeless guy says "A guy outside vomited and all the chunky bits are gone."

Écrit par : honu 12/09/2005 11:12

Urgh! Terrible!

Écrit par : cdoris 13/09/2005 08:52

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts

Écrit par : cdoris 13/09/2005 08:53

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Écrit par : cdoris 13/09/2005 09:01

Question:
How does a UNIX Guru do **********?
Answer:
unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

Écrit par : rol 13/09/2005 09:33

Tout ça pour pouvoir boire une bière et avoir la conscience tranquille

Écrit par : cdoris 14/09/2005 12:18

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...
He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, SMART OR DUMB. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH!

Écrit par : cdoris 14/09/2005 12:21

" Winterize your lawn, " the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:
" Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. "
" It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass. "
" Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? "
" Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. "
" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy. "
" Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week. "
" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? "
" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. "
" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? "
" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. "
" Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? "
" Yes, sir. "
" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. "
" You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. "
" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. "
" You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away. "
" No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose? "
" After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. "
" And where do they get this mulch? "
" They cut down trees and grind them up. "
" Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? "
" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about... "
" Never mind I think I just heard the whole story. "

Écrit par : cdoris 14/09/2005 12:22

[Hush == silence]

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

Écrit par : cdoris 15/09/2005 09:23

More signs you've had too much of the 90's…

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider Royal Mail painfully slow.

9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

Écrit par : cdoris 15/09/2005 09:24

There is a new virus going around, called " work. " If you receive any sort of " work " at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open " work " or even look at " work " have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter " work " via email or are faced with any " work " at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words " I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub. " The "work " should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work " in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work " to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that " work " will no longer be of any relevance to you and that " Scooby Doo " was the greatest cartoon ever.
Please send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the " work " virus has already corrupted your life.

Écrit par : cdoris 15/09/2005 09:26

There was this mother who had three daughters.
When the time came for each daughter to get married, she asked them, on their respective wedding days, to write home soon and tell her about their married lives.
The first daughter to get married wrote back only two days after the wedding. The letter consisted of a single message: "MAXWELL COFEEHOUSE".
The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, which said:
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...". So Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and a week later she sent home her reply. The message read: "ROTHMANS". So the Mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and found out it said: "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy.
Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for the expected message to come through. When it did, the message was simply: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a B.A. ad. At last she found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWICE A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS

Écrit par : rol 15/09/2005 10:41

Viruses are walking around

Écrit par : cdoris 16/09/2005 10:41

University Exam Question
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so " profound " that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
" Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of the beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, " ...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you. ", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only " A " given. "

Écrit par : cdoris 16/09/2005 10:42

WHAT HOLE?
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

Écrit par : cdoris 16/09/2005 10:43

Subject: Point System

Everything you wanted to know about being a good husband but were lied to by the rest of us. It's called THE POINTS SYSTEM. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.
------------------------------------------
Simple Duties:
You make the bed ............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets .................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ............0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5
In the snow..................................................+8
But return with beer ........................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something .........+5
You pummel it with a six iron...............................+10
It's her pet................................................-10

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party.........................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy.................................... .-2
Named Tiffany................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer .........................................-6
Tiffany has implants ........................................-8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner....................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar ....................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ..............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team ................-10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal............................................-5
The pal is happily married ..................................-4
Or frighteningly single .....................................-7
And he drives a Mustang.....................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..............-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes ...........................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ............................+6
You take her to a movie you like ............................-2
It's called DeathCop 3 ......................................-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ......-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to
get rid of it...............................................+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts .......................... .-30
You say " It doesn't matter, you have one too " ...........-800

The Big Question: She asks, " Do I look fat? "
You hesitate in responding .................................-10
You reply, " Where? " ......................................-35
Any other response..........................................-20

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression........................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes......+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking
at the clock ..............................................+100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ..........-20

Écrit par : rol 16/09/2005 11:10

Écrit par : cdoris 19/09/2005 10:22

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Écrit par : cdoris 19/09/2005 10:24

Why It's *Great* to be a Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great ********** with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Écrit par : cdoris 19/09/2005 10:27

Blondes are not always dumb!
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000. and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer say, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

Écrit par : cdoris 20/09/2005 10:24

SMILE OF THE WEEK
=: Dilbert's Rules of Order :=
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Écrit par : cdoris 20/09/2005 10:25

Wife 1.0

-Dear TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, A Troubled User
- Dear USER:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. recommit Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support

Écrit par : cdoris 20/09/2005 10:29

Pierre, the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, " Pierre, kiss me! "
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. " What are you doing, Pierre? ", says the startled Marie. " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! "
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, " Pierre, kiss me lower. " Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing? " asks the bewildered Marie, " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! "
They resume their passionate interlude and when things really steam up, Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, " Pierre, kiss me lower! "
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the liquor in her lap.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, " PIERRE, YOU FOOL, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? "
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, " I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames! "

Écrit par : cdoris 21/09/2005 16:38

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Écrit par : cdoris 21/09/2005 16:38

Can you imagine working at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?


















Give up?


















It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Écrit par : cdoris 21/09/2005 16:39

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Écrit par : rol 21/09/2005 16:39

Écrit par : cdoris 22/09/2005 11:38

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Écrit par : cdoris 22/09/2005 11:38

"What makes a man feel happy:
when he is 7 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed
when he is 17 - to be able to make love
when he is 25 - to find a good wife
when he is 35 - to have a happy family and good job
when he is 45 - to have a good job and happy family
when he is 55 - to find a good wife
when he is 65 - to be able to make love
when he is 75 - to wake up in a clean and dry bed"

Écrit par : cdoris 22/09/2005 11:38

HUNTSVILLE, Ala.- NASA engineers and mathematicians in this high-tech city are stunned and infuriated after the Alabama state legislature narrowly passed a law Monday redefining pi, a mathematical constant used widely in the aerospace industry. The bill to change the value of pi to exactly three was introduced without fanfare by Leonard Lee Lawson (R, Crossville), and rapidly gained support after a letter-writing campaign by members of the Solomon Society, a traditional values group. Governor Fob James says he will sign it into law on Wednesday.
The law took the state's engineering community by surprise. "It would have been nice if they had consulted with someone who actually uses pi," said Dr. Marshall Bergman, a manager at the Ballistic Missile Defense Organization. According to Bergman, pi is a Greek letter used to signify the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. It is often used by engineers to calculate missile trajectories.
Prof. Kim Johanson, a mathematician from University of Alabama, said that pi is a universal constant, and cannot arbitrarily be changed by lawmakers. Johanson explained that pi is an irrational number, which means that it has an infinite number of digits after the decimal point and can never be known exactly. Nevertheless, she said, pi is precisely defined by mathematics to be "3.14159, plus as many more digits as you have time to calculate."
"I think that it is the mathematicians that are being irrational, and it is time for them to admit it," said Lawson. "The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the altar font in Solomon's Temple was ten cubits across and thirty cubits in diameter, and that it was round in compass." Lawson also called into question the usefulness of any number that cannot be calculated exactly, and suggested that never knowing the exact answer could harm students' self-esteem. "We need to return to some absolutes in our society," he said. "The Bible does not say that the font was thirty-something cubits. Plain reading says thirty cubits. Period."
Science actually supports Lawson, explained Russell Humbleys, a propulsion technician at the Marshall Spaceflight Center who testified in support of the bill before the legislature in Montgomery last week. "Pi is merely an artifact of Euclidean geometry." Humbleys is working on a theory which he says will prove that pi is determined by the geometry of three-dimensional space, which is assumed by physicists to be "isotropic," or the same in all directions.
"There are other geometries, and pi is different in every one of them," said Humbleys. "Scientists have arbitrarily assumed that space is Euclidean. A circle drawn on a spherical surface has a different value for the ratio of circumference to diameter. Anyone with a compass, flexible ruler, and globe can see this for themselves. It's not exactly rocket science."
Roger Learned, a Solomon Society member who was in Montgomery to support the bill, agrees. He said that pi is nothing more than an assumption by the mathematicians and engineers who were there to argue against the bill. "Those nabobs waltzed into the capital with an arrogance that was breathtaking," Learned said. "Their predatorial deficit resulted in a polemical stance at absolute contraposition to the legislature's puissance."
Some education experts believe that the legislation will affect the way math is taught to Alabama's children. One member of the state school board, Lily Ponja, is anxious to get the new value of pi into the state's math textbooks, but thinks that the old value should be retained as an alternative. "As far as I am concerned, the value of pi is only a theory, and we should be open to all interpretations." She looks forward to the day when students will have the freedom to decide for themselves what value pi should have.
Dr. Robert S. Dietz, a professor at Arizona State University who has followed the controversy, wrote that this is not the first time a state legislature has attempted to redefine the value of pi. A legislator in the state of Indiana unsuccessfully attempted to have that state set the value of pi to three. According to Dietz, the lawmaker was exasperated by the calculations of a mathematician who carried pi to four hundred decimal places and still could not achieve a rational number.
Many experts are warning that this is just the beginning of a national battle over pi between traditional values supporters and the technical elite. Solomon Society member Lawson agrees. "We just want to return pi to its traditional value," he said, "which, according to the Bible, is three."

Écrit par : cdoris 23/09/2005 09:44

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the " tomorrow ". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. Remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

Écrit par : cdoris 23/09/2005 09:45

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poen threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Écrit par : cdoris 23/09/2005 09:46

A good laugh.......

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had ********** with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Écrit par : cdoris 27/09/2005 17:37

Subject: Who wants to be a pig?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have ********** for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of..?????)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares, I want to be a Pig!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates ********** by ripping the male's head off. (" Honey, I'm home. What the.... ")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Écrit par : cdoris 27/09/2005 17:38

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:
5th place (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.
4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.
Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
A reply from one of the recipients:
" I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet. Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/t© where
p is the probability of carpet impact
s is the " stain " value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t© and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet. "

Écrit par : cdoris 27/09/2005 17:38

Enjoy girls !!!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, " Lord, I have a problem! "
" What's the problem, Eve? "
" Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy. "
" Why is that, Eve? " came the reply from above.
" Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples. "
" Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. "
" What's a 'man', Lord? "
" This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. "
" Sounds great, " says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
" What's the catch, Lord? "
" As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman. "

Écrit par : rol 28/09/2005 03:58

Écrit par : cdoris 28/09/2005 07:58

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..
3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..
4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..
6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
8. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Écrit par : cdoris 28/09/2005 07:59

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical and the other one is known as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.......
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two 'Hail Mary's.....the rest of you...reflect!!!!!!!!)
Have a nice day

Écrit par : cdoris 28/09/2005 07:59

There was a boy, Jim Mathers, who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. Jim told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. Jim said he would go ask his manager about the matter. Jim walked into the back room and said, " There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce. " As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, " and this gentleman wants to buy the other half. " The manager OK'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on Jim and said, " You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from, son? " Jim replied, "Bath, sir. " " Oh really?
Why did you leave Bath? " asked the manager. Jim replied, " They're all just whores and rugby players down there. "
" My wife is from Bath!! "
Jim replied, " Really? What team did she play for? "

Écrit par : cdoris 30/09/2005 10:37

Joke of the Day: " Clinton and the Pope "

Clinton and the Pope
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late

Écrit par : cdoris 30/09/2005 10:41

Subject : top 10 reasons

As a European, this beats the usual Irish /Polish jokes and although I am not sure what a 'hafartalli' is, I did see the guy described last time I was in Abdoun.....

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING LEBANESE
10. You can easily be gay, all you have to do is SPEAK UP.
9. You can always get to celebrate other nation's victory, cause you don't have any.
8. You don't have to please your boss cause that's your wife's job.
7. Your wife will always remember you when she wakes up; she needs to get back home!
6. You don't have to worry about building your country, that's Saudi's job.
5. You don't have to worry about defending your country, that's Syria's job.
4. You can be the ugliest woman on earth and still have Arab men fall for you.
3. You can always suck up to people, especially the French, and be considered diplomatic.
2. You can be multilingual (Arabic, French, English and Armen) but you don't really belong to any.
1. No career? No problem. Be a pimp. That is if you are not already.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING EGYPTIAN
10. Your voice sucks? Don't worry, you can still be a famous singer.
9. You are ugly? No problem. Try being a movie star.
8. You can easily be distinguished in a million, all you have to do is speak English.
7. You can always live in the past and don't suffer the agonizing present.
6. You don't have to exercise, you'll get fat anyway.
5. You don't have to use condoms, they don't work anyway.
4. You can visit Israel, and still claim that it is your enemy.
3. You can be the Arabs political leader, and be led at home.
2. You can raise your voice and yell and still be considered normal.
1. You are NOT the descendant of Pharos.

Top 10-list REASONS FOR BEING YEMENI
10. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
9. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
8. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
7. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
6. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
5. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
4. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
3. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
2. You can get to chew all the opium you want and drowse.
1. You can NOT do anything but chewing opium and drowse.

This is the top 10 ways to recognize a Jordanian 'hafartalli':
1) Usually found, for no specific reason, hanging around in Abdoon.
2) Seen with one of 2 hair styles: either the slicked back, greasy look or the poufed up 'sishwar' look usually with a kookoo hanging down from his forehead.
3) In winter tucks his sweater in his trousers. In summer is usually wearing a tight white T-shirt to display his non-existent muscles (ou la tinsoo jeans Abu_khattain).
4) Seems to be fond of carrying around a toothpick in his mouth (reason still unknown).
5) At the occasion of a female passing by, one of the following reactions is observed, calls out a stupid and irrelevant remark, such as:"yil3an 3umri", "yis3id allah", "eish ya 7alawah", and so on... or suddenly decides to sing at the top of his lungs.....or struts around showing off something he doesn't have.........or stares at he female like she's the only one he's seen in 22 years.
6) Is usually wearing a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small.
7) If a car is available to the hafartalli, it can most often be found on the streets of Amman with the radio turned on full volume with a bandanna and a CD hanging from the front mirror and they listen to Arabic songs (kamannana) and things like that
Extremely fond of flashy jewellery. Favourite style of sunshades: blue reflective lenses that allow his eyes to roam freely.
9) Can be smelt at a distance of 10 metres: either sweat or loads of cheap perfume.
10) If a hafartalli is lucky enough to have a 'wasta' to get him into university, it usually takes him more than 6 years to graduate.

> ** please do not mistake a REAL hafartalli with a hafartalli wannabe. A wannabe hafartalli only has SOME of these characteristics. .a REAL hafartalli displays them ALL and MORE!

Écrit par : cdoris 30/09/2005 10:45

Subject: Is the human race degenerating?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Écrit par : joanne_192 01/10/2005 13:18

million, billion, trillion, zillion....etc

Enjoy !

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Écrit par : rol 01/10/2005 17:03

Écrit par : joanne_192 01/10/2005 17:52

Very very funny, i laughed out loud, you can ask Rol !!!

Écrit par : cdoris 03/10/2005 10:08

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms.
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
What's up love?' he asks
There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically
'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'

Écrit par : cdoris 03/10/2005 10:11

A pregnant woman from Cork gets in a car accident and falls into a coma.
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Mayfield came in and named them. " The woman thinks to herself, " No, not my brother... he's an idiot! "
She asks him, " Well, what's the girl's name? "
"Denise. "
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name? "
"Denephew. "

Écrit par : cdoris 03/10/2005 10:18

RANDY - THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants to raise chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, " Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. " Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it and buys the bird. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard. Before he lets him go, he decides to give the rooster a little pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun, " the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy actually seemed to understand! The farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is delighted. As he goes about his work, the farmer notices a commotion in the duck pen? sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset the farmer spots Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer's starting to worry that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours at this pace!
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.
Saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive - animal, the farmer shakes his head and says, " Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, and now look what you've done to yourself. "
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer... "

Écrit par : joanne_192 03/10/2005 12:23

And did you like mine ?

Écrit par : cdoris 04/10/2005 09:37

Sure, excellent

Écrit par : cdoris 04/10/2005 09:39

-A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "DICK".
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response : PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Écrit par : cdoris 04/10/2005 09:40

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation

Écrit par : cdoris 04/10/2005 09:40

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "
" What do they say? " the priest inquired.
They say, " Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "
" That's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. " You know, " he said, " I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time. "
" Thank you, " the woman responded, " this may very well be the solution. "
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: " Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
" Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

Écrit par : cdoris 05/10/2005 09:34

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Écrit par : cdoris 05/10/2005 09:37

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

Écrit par : cdoris 05/10/2005 09:37

Woman without her man, is nothing.
Woman ! Without her, man is nothing!

Écrit par : cdoris 06/10/2005 11:31

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Back home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds: "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Écrit par : cdoris 06/10/2005 11:32

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Écrit par : cdoris 06/10/2005 11:32

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
3.b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
4.a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or **********-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. It's cool to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. Pitch up at the 11th hour for major World conflicts.
10. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called baseball.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat very graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer & flooding in Winter.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Ok, give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have ********** with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed
to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Écrit par : cdoris 07/10/2005 09:36

Florida Bumper Stickers
Order yours now-we've no idea how many are left.

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Palm Beach County: We put the " duh " in Florida.

Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Écrit par : cdoris 07/10/2005 09:36

Possibly the Blonde joke of the year...
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300.00 she exclaimed: But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we expect) **Anything?** he asked. *YES, YES, anything.* the blonde promised. Well, then, just follow me, said the man as he walked towards the next room..
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. *Come in and close the door* the man said. She did. He then said *Now get down on your knees* She did. *Now take down my zipper.* She did. *Now go ahead........take it out.......* he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands......then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered *Well .....go ahead*. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said **Hello, Mom can you hear me?

Écrit par : cdoris 07/10/2005 09:37

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every worry you say, talk in your sleep.

Écrit par : cdoris 10/10/2005 11:14

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch " sweatshop " onto his shoes.

Here are the responses he got...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word " sweatshop. "
Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made the shoes. Could you please ship them to immediately. Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang ". If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that " sweatshop " is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: " a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions " and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is " about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are. " I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that " If you want it done right...build it yourself. " I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti

From: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: " 'Jonah H. Peretti' " <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that " Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted ". In addition, it further explains: " While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one.
Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another. " With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD

From: " Jonah H. Peretti " <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: " Personalize, NIKE iD " <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks,
Jonah Peretti

<no response

As one forwarder writes:

... this will now go round the world much further and faster than any of the adverts they paid Michael Jordan to make, (which is more than the entire wage packet of all their sweatshop workers in the world).
So as regards forwarding this message.....
JUST DO IT

Écrit par : cdoris 10/10/2005 11:14

2000 Darwin Awards
Here are the winners... and boy, are they winners...we saved the best for last, so be sure to read the Grand Prize winner.
The long awaited 2000 Darwin " Natural Selection " Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 2000 " Natural Selection " awards:...
5th Runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubel and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: " Man loses face at party ". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. " Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it ", said Payne. " It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. " " He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off ", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, " I feel so dumb about this ".
Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to " hop " over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

Écrit par : cdoris 11/10/2005 17:14

A world survey was done with this question:
" Please, what's your opinion on the lack of food in the rest of the world? "
The result was a failure!!
1 - In Africa no one knew what was " food ";
2 - In Western Europe no one knew what was " Lack ";
3 - In Eastern Europe no one knew what was " opinion ";
4 - In Argentina no one knew what was " Please ";
5 - In the United States of America no one knew what was " rest of the world ".

Écrit par : cdoris 11/10/2005 17:15

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have ********** with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the ********** organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. ( Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having ********** for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have ********** with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. ( Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have ********** with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have ********** for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, as opposed to us eating French cheese which smells of feet)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Damn Those Pigs.

Écrit par : cdoris 12/10/2005 09:58

You think your job is bad...

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.
An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave.
The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, " You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
The young Airman smiled and said, " Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 35 degrees below zero, the wind is blowing 40 miles an hour and I'm pumping shit from an aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

Écrit par : cdoris 12/10/2005 10:01

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims : "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

J'ai la réponse. Difficile à traduire...
"Serious Burns" veut dire "grands brulés" bien sur mais il se trouve que Burns est le plus grand poète écossais et que les malades citent ses vers...
Les anglophones trouvent la blague pas mal !

Écrit par : cdoris 17/10/2005 11:31

In the beginning... God said: " go down into that valley"...
And Adam said: " what is a valley?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Cross the river"... And Adam said: "what is a river?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Go over the hill", and he explained what a hill was...
Then God said : " on the other side of the hill, you'll find a cave"...and again he had to explain what it was...
Then he told Adam: "on the cave, you will find a woman" and Adam said: "what is a woman?" So God explained that to him and said: " I want you to reproduce". And Adam said: "How do I do that?"
And God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down in the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and in the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes, he was back.
God said angrily: " what is it now?"
And Adam said: "what's a headache?"

Écrit par : cdoris 17/10/2005 11:32

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Écrit par : cdoris 18/10/2005 09:08

" Cowboys and Lesbians "

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am. " After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, " I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women. " A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian. "

Écrit par : cdoris 18/10/2005 09:09

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" she said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!

Écrit par : cdoris 19/10/2005 08:06

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Écrit par : cdoris 19/10/2005 08:07

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me! Can you help me? I promised my friend that I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below nods his head, saying, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going to. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are now in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Écrit par : cdoris 20/10/2005 08:32

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Écrit par : cdoris 20/10/2005 08:32

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO, from January 2nd 2002, the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 87.61.

Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board

Écrit par : rol 20/10/2005 12:31

Écrit par : lauden 20/10/2005 19:22

Écrit par : cdoris 21/10/2005 11:32

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing
but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband smiles and replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Écrit par : cdoris 21/10/2005 11:32

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In ancient England a person could not have ********** unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having **********.
The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
Now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Écrit par : lauden 21/10/2005 17:36

Sérieux ?

Écrit par : cdoris 24/10/2005 11:22

I don't know

Écrit par : cdoris 24/10/2005 11:23

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

Écrit par : cdoris 24/10/2005 11:24

medical advice
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Écrit par : rol 24/10/2005 15:14

Écrit par : cdoris 28/10/2005 10:14

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so..."

Écrit par : cdoris 28/10/2005 10:18

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. " Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. "
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. " Okay, " says the rabbi to the husband, " let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. "
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, " You see, schmuck, now that's the way to wave a towel!!! "

Écrit par : cdoris 31/10/2005 10:32

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck

Écrit par : cdoris 31/10/2005 10:33

Signs saying "I Am An Idiot"

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Écrit par : cdoris 02/11/2005 15:32

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys.

Écrit par : cdoris 02/11/2005 15:49

Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. The teller read the note and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign.

Écrit par : cdoris 03/11/2005 10:03

Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail: a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Écrit par : cdoris 03/11/2005 10:04

Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well. The cashier refused and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. (Give this guy his!)

Écrit par : joanne_192 03/11/2005 22:16

Excellent!! Alors, cdoris, où trouves-tu tout cela ?

where do you find all these jokes ?

Écrit par : joanne_192 03/11/2005 22:24

Écrit par : joanne_192 03/11/2005 22:25

Écrit par : cdoris 04/11/2005 10:15

J'ai des copains sympas un peu partout dans le monde : je n'ai même pas à chercher, j'ai régulièrement des petits mails amusants !

Écrit par : cdoris 04/11/2005 10:16

Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)

Écrit par : cdoris 04/11/2005 10:16

Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.)

Écrit par : cdoris 07/11/2005 11:46

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor, Michigan. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Are we out of signs already?

Écrit par : cdoris 07/11/2005 11:48

"Several recent studies have shown that one in every four Americans suffers from some form of mental disorder. Think about that, if three of your friends seem normal, then you must be the one."

Écrit par : cdoris 08/11/2005 11:06

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Spanish: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Écrit par : cdoris 08/11/2005 11:19

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
" It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro. "
" Vot do you mean it'z illegal? " asks the German driver. " Quattro meansa four " replies the Italian official. " Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile ", the Germans retort unbelievingly. " Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons. " " You can'ta pulla thata one on me! ", replies the Italian customs agent. " Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law. "
The German driver replies angrily, " You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!
" Sorry ", responds the Italian official, " he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno ".

Écrit par : cdoris 09/11/2005 10:45

The other day the Herald Tribune featured a story from the NY Times titled:
A challenge to circumcision.
Some woman and her lawyer in N. Dakota are suing the doctor and the hospital for circumcising a boy born in 1997. They are claiming " diminished sexual sensation injury. "

Écrit par : cdoris 09/11/2005 10:49

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for two years, and now half the country is looking for work."

Écrit par : cdoris 10/11/2005 09:54

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".



The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,

and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"

Écrit par : cdoris 10/11/2005 10:06

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"



The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."



A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

Écrit par : joanne_192 10/11/2005 23:04

]wow , dats kwite sumfin
[/quote]

Écrit par : cdoris 11/11/2005 12:37

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $2500 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more ?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Écrit par : cdoris 11/11/2005 12:42

For Americans, It's French Sissies Versus German He-Men



By NINA BERNSTEIN

Published: September 28, 2003



I was on display again last week, that old double standard. On camera, Germany's chancellor got a muscular handshake from America's president and a meeting that let bygones be bygones. France's president got the official cold shoulder and columnists' heated denunciations.

Yet France and Germany had taken the same position on the Bush administration's policies in Iraq. Both were offering to help train Iraqi security forces, but not to send soldiers. Both argued that only accelerated Iraqi sovereignty and a larger United Nations role could secure peace.

Apparently, it sounded different in French. Somehow, to American ears, it always does. And at this point in strained trans-Atlantic relations, an obvious explanation comes to mind: in the American imagination, France is a woman, and Germany is just another guy.

The French themselves depict La Belle France as a bare-breasted " Marianne " on the barricades. They export high fashion, cosmetics, fine food - delicacies traditionally linked to a woman's pleasure, if not her boudoir. And French has always been Hollywood's language of love.

Germany, meanwhile, is the Fatherland, its spike helmets retooled into the sleek insignia of cars like the Mercedes and BMW. It also exports heavy machinery and strong beer - products linked to manliness. And notwithstanding Goethe, Schiller and Franka Potente, German is Hollywood's language of war, barked to the beat of combat boots in half a century of movies.

Such images simply overpower facts that do not fit the picture - like decades of German pacifism and French militarism since World War II. So what if France was fighting in Vietnam, Algeria and Africa, and deploying a force of 36,000 troops around the world, while Germans held peace vigils and invented Berlin's Love Parade. For Americans, it seems, World War II permanently inoculated Germans against " the wimp factor " and branded the French indelibly as sissies.

Sure, both countries were dubbed members of the " Axis of Weasel " and dissed as Old Europe for opposing the war in Iraq. But no one poured schnapps down the toilet, renamed sauerkraut or made prime-time jokes denigrating German manhood. Only France can evoke that kind of frat-boy frenzy.

" It's in the way we view both countries, " said Irwin M. Wall, a historian of French-American relations. " We view Germany as producing iron and steel, and we view France as producing perfume and haute couture. You'll never get America out of this stereotype that France is a feminine country. "

Of course, Mr. Wall added, when Secretary of State Colin L. Powell refers to America and France as having been in marriage counseling for 225 years, " you know darn well he means we're the male partner. "

American officials have long used sexist stereotyping as diplomatic strategy. Franklin Roosevelt once declared that Charles de Gaulle knew no more about economics " than a woman knows about a carburetor. " In 1953, Life magazine likened the French government to " a big can-can chorus " and France itself to a showgirl slipping a billion-dollar bill's worth of American aid into her stocking.

Frank Costigliola, a historian at the University of Connecticut, gives many such examples in his book " France and the United States: The Cold Alliance Since World War II. " He contends that giving France negative " feminine " traits has always served to delegitimize French points of view.

" Associated with France as a woman is France as hysterical, or France as crazy, " he said. " It really is a knee-jerk reaction. "

Robert O. Paxton, an emeritus professor of history at Columbia University, agreed. " It's an American stereotype and an American strategy, " he stressed. " There are elements in our culture that the Bush people can play on in stereotyping France as feminine. "

The paradox, added Mr. Paxton, the author of " Vichy France, " is that the French hold a mirror stereotype about America. " They believe the American male has been completely emasculated, and American women rule the roost. "

Écrit par : cdoris 12/11/2005 14:31

Australian bricklayer report
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry

Écrit par : cdoris 12/11/2005 14:39

George W. Bush has an audience with the Queen Elizabeth. During the course of conversation he asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how will I know if the people around me are intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Simply ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. I will demonstrate." She presses her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me, your highness." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

The following day, back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure Mr. President. Let me get back to you on that." So Cheney goes to his advisors and poses the question, but none can give him an answer.

Later on he stops off at the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell calls out, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!".

Écrit par : cdoris 14/11/2005 10:33

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answerscame out, Fireman, Policeman salesman, Chippy,etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

-‘My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. »

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little

Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

-« No » said Edward » He plays Rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed to say »

Écrit par : joanne_192 15/11/2005 23:13

I thought he played football for France ?

Écrit par : cdoris 16/11/2005 11:44

You may be right !

Écrit par : joanne_192 21/11/2005 09:37

Four Ghosts

THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his
White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do
to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
Washington advises and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again and sees the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened
bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the
best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson
advises and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for
Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over
his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best
thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies
and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees
another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost
of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush leads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do
right now to help the country?"



Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Écrit par : cdoris 21/11/2005 15:25

Écrit par : joanne_192 24/11/2005 16:01

NEWS.....There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there can not be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious
reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a
virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable.

Écrit par : joanne_192 24/11/2005 16:12

Merci Rol du tuyau!!
New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Écrit par : cdoris 25/11/2005 18:44

I almost fell this morning... ice on the sidewalk

Écrit par : joanne_192 26/11/2005 11:39

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say,
You foreigners! Come in! Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said “ I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at **********."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the ********** god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a ********** freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,





"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

Écrit par : cdoris 28/11/2005 11:43

What a mistake !

Écrit par : joanne_192 28/11/2005 19:01

Yes, indeed!

Écrit par : joanne_192 30/11/2005 23:27

Eight Words with two Meanings_**

*

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.*
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.*

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.*
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.*

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.*
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.*

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.*
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.*

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.*
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.*

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.*
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.*

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.*
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.*

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.*
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Écrit par : joanne_192 02/12/2005 23:39

Du fährst mit dem Auto und hältst eine konstante Geschwindigkeit. Auf
Deiner linken Seite befindet sich ein Abhang. Auf deiner rechten Seite
fährt ein riesiges Feuerwehrauto und hält die gleiche Geschwindigkeit wie
du. Vor dir galoppiert ein Schwein, das eindeutig grösser ist als dein
Auto und du kannst nicht vorbei. Hinter dir verfolgt dich ein Hubschrauber
auf Bodenhöhe. Das Schwein und der Hubschrauber haben exakt deine
Geschwindigkeit. Was unternimmst du, um dieser Situation gefahrlos zu
entkommen ???


Lösung etwas weiter unten:

































Antwort:
vom Kinderkarussell absteigen und weniger Glühwein trinken !!!
Schöne Weihnachtszeit!

Écrit par : cdoris 05/12/2005 11:45

Und jetzt auf Deutsch !

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 05/12/2005 12:00

Là ça se complique ... mes 7 années d'Allemand sont si loin.

Écrit par : cdoris 05/12/2005 12:07

Tu reçois la TNT ?

ARTE : version allemande !

Écrit par : joanne_192 10/12/2005 15:35

Warum ich immer so einen Stress habe !!!

Die Bevölkerung von Deutschland beläuft sich heute auf ca. 80 Millionen Menschen.
Davon sind 30.2 Millionen bereits Rentner.


Es verbleiben also 49.8 Millionen, um die ganze Arbeit zu verrichten.
Zählt man noch 20 Millionen Kinder, Schüler und 9 Millionen Studenten ab, so verbleiben noch 20.8 Millionen.

Dann sind aber noch 4 000 000 Arbeitslose und 15.160 Millionen Beamte,
die auch kaum etwas tun.
Bleiben also 640 000 Menschen übrig.
300 000 befinden sich zudem im Militärdienst,

200 000 in Zivis und 139 998 im Gefängnis.

Somit bleiben noch zwei armselige Trottel übrig,
um die ganze Arbeit zu erledigen.

DU und ICH.

Und was tust Du? Sitzt da vorm Computer und liest diesen Blödsinn.

Kein Wunder, dass ich total überlastet bin!!! :




Bon, il y avait aussi des images, mais...elles sont passées à la trappe. Bon courage!
ps cpmment écrire d'une autre couleur ? bz

Écrit par : cdoris 12/12/2005 09:42

Comme cela !

Tu tapes ton texte et tu le sélectionnes.

Dans le "bandeau" de la fenêtre de réponse, tu cliques la lettre "A" pour obtenir la palette de couleurs et faire ton choix

Écrit par : joanne_192 12/12/2005 22:38

Ok merci!

Try this: http://www.mondominishows.com/zombie_college/index.htm And particularly Happy Tree Friends, absolute gore, my pupils told me about it!! bz


bon, j'ai sélectionné mais je n'ai rien vu de ce que tu as dit!!!! : (

Tu as compris cette blague ?

Écrit par : joanne_192 12/12/2005 22:49

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then...... pointa to you watch and a say, Times Up?"

Écrit par : joanne_192 12/12/2005 23:28

[quote name='cdoris' date='lundi 12 décembre 2005 à 09:42' post='102073']
Comme cela !

Tu tapes ton texte et tu le sélectionnes.

Dans le "bandeau" de la fenêtre de réponse, tu cliques la lettre "A" pour obtenir la palette de couleurs et faire ton

On n'est pas dans la ' réponse rapide ' si je comprends bien ?





This is about Bush again!!

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs
to be changed.

3. One to decide that, yeah, it IS dark in here.

4. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

5. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for darkness.

6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the
new light bulb.

7. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing
on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."

8. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally in the dark.

9. One to viciously smear #8.

10. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush
has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

11. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Écrit par : joanne_192 16/12/2005 22:48

A Sordid Story

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name Artie".
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he couldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect on his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as a down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, ncluding his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines read:
(You're going to hate me for this) Scroll down...











"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"'

Écrit par : cdoris 19/12/2005 16:59

You're right

Écrit par : joanne_192 28/12/2005 23:19

I hope you had a good Christmas

Écrit par : cdoris 29/12/2005 15:31

Yes, You did it !

I had a very good Christmas... now preparing New Year...

I hope you also had a nice Christmas, and Happy New Year

Écrit par : joanne_192 09/01/2006 21:32

A very peaceful Christmas in Lapland ( it's a religious feast, no extra food! ). And a good new year's party : friends celebrating 40th birthday and also a surprise wedding!! Great fun. And you ?

Écrit par : cdoris 10/01/2006 11:20

Christmas with my family in "Pays Basque" and a great new year's party in Toulouse with friends from 17 to... over 50 (mean age around 40) : good food, good wine, good music and great fun until... 7am !

Écrit par : joanne_192 12/01/2006 10:30

Sounds good. here's my latest joke! Well, not mine, sent to me!



A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and
that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I' m staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that
he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?

I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in
the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

Écrit par : cdoris 13/01/2006 10:32

Écrit par : joanne_192 14/01/2006 00:28

Bon, au moins une personne trouve ça drôle!!! peut-être pourrait-on parfois parler des beaufs en même temps que les blondes... ( je connais des blondes très intelligentes!!!!)

Écrit par : cdoris 16/01/2006 10:28

Moi aussi : mon chef actuel... et mon ancien chef

J'adore les blondes intelligentes

Écrit par : joanne_192 20/01/2006 18:51

-- I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs .


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."


---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but
they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."


---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

Écrit par : adourgers 20/01/2006 22:48

It's so true

Écrit par : rol 21/01/2006 08:35

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 21/01/2006 15:54

Excellent.

Écrit par : joanne_192 22/01/2006 15:41

Here are some for the engineers among you !


Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can stay at the office and get some real work done."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool!

Écrit par : adourgers 22/01/2006 16:33

Yeah. ...........

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hier, c'est de l'histoire. Demain, c'est un mystère. Aujourd'hui, c'est un cadeau.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Écrit par : joanne_192 23/01/2006 09:28

in a different vein :



> A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers
> that she doesn't have correct change for the fare.
>
> The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand
> delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had,
> you'd be nicer to me."
>
> He caves in and lets her ride for free.
>
> She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't
> move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her
> chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.
>
> She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks
> significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and
> get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over
> her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to
> me."
>
> Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in
> comfort.
>
> A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've
> got, anyway?
>
> The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah".




for those of you unfamiliar with this expression, it means ' nerve ' ( je suis " gonflée " )

Écrit par : cdoris 23/01/2006 12:22

You kow what? I'm an engineer

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 23/01/2006 12:26

Écrit par : cdoris 23/01/2006 12:36

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 23/01/2006 13:25

Excellent.

Écrit par : rol 23/01/2006 16:59

Écrit par : joanne_192 26/01/2006 00:21

Et... qu'en dis-tu ?

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his
aides to come near.

"Yes, father," said the aide.

"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Tom DeLay before I die,"
whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, father," replied the
aide. The aide sent the request to the White House and waited for a
response.

Soon the word arrived. Bush and DeLay would be delighted to visit the
priest.

As they went to the hospital, Delay commented to Bush, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image
after the number the Democrats have done on us." Bush couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in
his right hand and DeLay's hand in his left. There was silence and a
look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Congressman DeLay spoke, "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Bush.

"Amen," said DeLay.

The old priest continued, "He died between two thieves. I would like to
do the same."




I have some really funny pix, how can I put them here?

Écrit par : joanne_192 27/01/2006 20:41

I wonder if you'll understand, with the accent....
After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a
luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the
girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why
not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so
why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all
just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah
come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to
trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 27/01/2006 21:15

Isn't he Buba, the Forrest Gump friend ?

Excellent.

Écrit par : joanne_192 27/01/2006 22:25

Yeah, he might be. You mean the one who lost the use of his legs and wanted to fish ? I have the cassette. I love that film.

Écrit par : joanne_192 28/01/2006 00:15

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears, to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your hands and face." He struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says, very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Écrit par : rol 28/01/2006 02:07

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 28/01/2006 08:13

No. Buba is the black one who want to be prawn fisher. He has this kind of accent, hasn't he ? By the way, I love that film too.

Écrit par : joanne_192 29/01/2006 16:21

Yes, you're right.

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 29/01/2006 17:03

Écrit par : cdoris 30/01/2006 11:47

Écrit par : Echo 03/02/2006 17:24

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde escaped from New Orleans, with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde escaped with big tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "Listen, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Écrit par : joanne_192 05/02/2006 22:12

excellent, je la ferai circuler!
comme a dit notre cher Sarko, vaut mieux trop de caricatures que trop de censure. Désolée d'être d'accord avec lui très exceptionellement....

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 06/02/2006 09:42

Écrit par : cdoris 06/02/2006 11:23

Écrit par : lauden 06/02/2006 17:19

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/02/2006 17:33

D'abord, pour les anglophones et amateurs de la liberté de s'exprimer, une série de comic strips!! http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jesusandmo.net%2F . Enjoy!!

Si vous ne coprenez pas, demandez!


CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to <?XML:NAMESPACE
PREFIX = ST1 />Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/02/2006 17:39

THIS ONE IS NOT NICE


A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a

tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. "
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became














92 years old.


The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female.

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/02/2006 19:39

Comme depuis, j'ai lu quelques BLAGUES, je ne culpabilise plus pour celle-là!!!!

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/02/2006 22:08

The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
"Coffee Break,,,,do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,

ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

drank the milk,,,,,,,,,

sh*t on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

Écrit par : lauden 07/02/2006 23:18

Écrit par : cdoris 09/02/2006 11:11

Excellent !

Écrit par : joanne_192 10/02/2006 19:36

Tu as lu Jésus et Mo ?
Charlie Hebdo est extrêmement intéressant, si vous arrivez à en trouver un!!

Écrit par : joanne_192 12/02/2006 22:26

Alors, vous l'avez lu ?

Écrit par : cdoris 15/02/2006 11:45

Pas lu, hélas...

Je vais essayer de trouver le dernier Charlie Hebdo

Écrit par : lauden 15/02/2006 16:17

Il va devenir collector ce numéro. :clng:

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 15/02/2006 16:24

Il l'est déjà je pense.

Écrit par : joanne_192 16/02/2006 00:14

400 000 ex

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 16/02/2006 08:40

Hé hé

Écrit par : cdoris 16/02/2006 11:50

Je l'aurai !

Écrit par : lauden 17/02/2006 18:34

On le trouve facilement

Écrit par : cdoris 20/02/2006 11:10

Trop tard : nouveau numéro depuis mercredi dernier !

Écrit par : lauden 20/02/2006 14:57

C'était un n° spécial

Écrit par : joanne_192 20/02/2006 21:27

pour info:


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell
happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut
the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me
at once.. -Jennifer Unlimited-


If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning. -Catherine-


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-


If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-


When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. -Elayne Boosler-


Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-


In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-


I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career. -Gloria Steinem-

Écrit par : lauden 21/02/2006 11:12

Écrit par : cdoris 21/02/2006 11:12

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 21/02/2006 11:20

Écrit par : cdoris 21/02/2006 11:55

Bon, je vais chercher, alors

Écrit par : joanne_192 28/02/2006 23:59

Look at this!! http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jesusandmo.net%2F

Écrit par : joanne_192 01/03/2006 01:27

1. THE PHARMACIST


A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the
law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all
kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well,
now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2. The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need
his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

3. I had amnesia once -- or was it twice?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask ... is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when every thing else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a 20 penny nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't
get his pants off.

Écrit par : cdoris 02/03/2006 11:27

Have you got Parkinson ?

Écrit par : joanne_192 02/03/2006 16:53

I hope not. I tried to edit, but it didn't work. sorry!

Écrit par : joanne_192 02/03/2006 17:17

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Écrit par : cdoris 03/03/2006 10:39

You know what? I do smoke Camels

Écrit par : YannBresil 03/03/2006 23:12

With a condom?

Écrit par : joanne_192 04/03/2006 14:24

But is that all you do with a camel ? !!!

Écrit par : joanne_192 06/03/2006 17:46

BLONDE COWBOY

........The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the side walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”
The cowboys says...”Well it’s like this sheriff...l was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So l did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt....so l did.Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so l did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so l did. The she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says. “Now go to town cowboy...” *

“And here l am”

Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist!




* = mets-toi à l’oeuvre/ va en ville

Écrit par : cdoris 07/03/2006 12:14

Guess what !

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/03/2006 22:59

Are you a blonde, by any chance ? !!! but not a cowboy!
Ah! a blonde cowboy sodomite who didn't win an Oscar!

Écrit par : winche 07/03/2006 23:04

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/03/2006 23:52

Ceci n'est pas une blague, mais un résumé de la vie de enfants des années 50, 60.

I Can't Believe We Made It!

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a convertible on a warm day was always a special
treat.
Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cupboards, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle; horrors.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on, no one was able to reach us all day.
No mobile phones; unthinkable.
We got cut, and broke bones, and broke teeth, and there were no law-suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to
blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We ate patty cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 65 channels on pay TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends.
We went outside and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! All by ourselves !
Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian - how did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
Footy and netball had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
There was no one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law - imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Écrit par : joanne_192 09/03/2006 00:19

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed ,I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Écrit par : joanne_192 09/03/2006 00:45

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, etsquare, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', We have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every
triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Écrit par : joanne_192 11/03/2006 00:25

MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he
replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?" Without missing beat he says,

Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

Écrit par : joanne_192 20/03/2006 18:38

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron ....
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we
needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable

I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay
the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...
Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 26 of May2005.

He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his a **, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

Écrit par : Echo 20/03/2006 18:56

Écrit par : winche 20/03/2006 19:42

Oh my God ... oups

Écrit par : joanne_192 21/03/2006 22:16

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go
there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

Écrit par : winche 21/03/2006 22:33

Class !!!

Écrit par : yober 21/03/2006 22:36

Écrit par : joanne_192 05/04/2006 22:46

---- GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,
nephews,or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Écrit par : YannBresil 05/04/2006 23:56

lol

Écrit par : winche 06/04/2006 00:16

Ah ah ..

Écrit par : joanne_192 06/04/2006 22:21

BLONDE BAPTIST COWGIRL

*A cowgirl, who is visiting South Carolina from Texas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
*
*The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
*
*The cowgirl replies, " Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Texas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
*
*The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
*
*The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
*
*She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
*
*One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
*
*The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
*
*"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
*
*"Hasn't affected my sisters though.

Écrit par : joanne_192 11/04/2006 17:29

Celle-ci est courte
YOU GOTTA LOVE CHICAGO WOMEN!!

A woman from Chicago and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Chicago, being friendly and all, said:

So, where are you from?"

The East coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Chicago sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

Écrit par : Cédric@07 12/04/2006 13:53

Écrit par : winche 12/04/2006 14:10

Écrit par : cdoris 24/04/2006 10:12

Écrit par : joanne_192 18/05/2006 00:47

Sorry to disappoint you all, but I have no more jokes in English for the moment. Maybe some of you know of a site where I can find some ? bz, R

Écrit par : joanne_192 29/05/2006 09:05

voici un lien qui va nous rassurer sur le sort des Irakiens:
http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theonion.com%2Fcontent%2Fnode%2F30610


The Onion, un mag US satirique, à lire!!

Écrit par : joanne_192 29/05/2006 21:02

George W. Bush, lives in the White House and rules the country. Here
are a few of his quotes:

Russia is no longer our enemy and therefore we shouldn't be locked
into a Cold War mentality that says we keep the peace by blowing each
other up. In my attitude, that's old, that's tired, that's stale.
Dubya

If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to
have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."
Dubya

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal
shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just
unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
Dubya

But I also made it clear to [Vladimir Putin] that it's important to
think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew
each other up, the world would be safe."
Dubya

I simply said that I would do everything to help Taiwan to defend
itself.
Dubya

Home is important. It's important to have a home."
Dubya

I confirmed to the prime minister that we appreciate our friendship."
Dubya

I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but
for predecessors as well."
Dubya

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
Dubya

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Dubya

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child."
Dubya

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
Dubya

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water,
that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
Dubya

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century."
Dubya

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy but that could change."
Dubya

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
Dubya

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Dubya

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments
in the future."
Dubya

"The future will be better tomorrow."
Dubya

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
Dubya

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."
Dubya

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Dubya

"It's terrible how those killers at Columbine had their hearts turned
dark as a result of being on the Internet."
Dubya

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
Dubya

"Public speaking is very easy."
Dubya

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
Dubya

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the olls."
Dubya

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
Dubya

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
Dubya

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Dubya

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
Dubya

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
Dubya

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
Dubya

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
Dubya

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dubya

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Dubya

"There has to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."
Dubya

"Is our children learning?"
Dubya

"I understand small business growth. I was one."
Dubya

"Higher education is not my priority."
Dubya

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
Dubya

"Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a—you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."
Dubya

"Secondly, the tactics of our—as you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean, that's—ever since the late '70s, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them. In other words, there's no sanctions—you can't—we're out of sanctions."
Dubya

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." Dubya

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."
Dubya

Écrit par : joanne_192 04/06/2006 20:17

Three old men are at the doctor's for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three
times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man.








"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Écrit par : Dirk-Pitt 04/06/2006 20:47

Écrit par : winche 04/06/2006 21:16

Écrit par : rol 05/06/2006 01:36

Écrit par : YannBresil 11/06/2006 23:34

Funny:

http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fartlung.com%2Fsmorgasborg%2Fhow_to_tick_people_off.shtml

Écrit par : joanne_192 16/06/2006 23:04

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country."
--- Elayne Boosler

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look
stupid."
--- Hedy Lamarr

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
--- Maryon Pearson

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night."
--- Marie Corelli

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
--- Gilda Radner

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly
promoted as a male schlemiel."
--- Bella Abzug

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then."
--- Katharine Hepburn

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman."
--- Margaret Thatcher

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
--- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?"
--- Linda Ellerbee

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho
man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

I think - therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
a career."
- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Écrit par : cdoris 23/06/2006 17:56

Écrit par : cdoris 23/06/2006 18:02

World cup winners:

2002 Brazil
1998 France
1994 Brazil
1990 Germany
1986 Argentina
1982 Italy
1978 Argentina
1974 Germany
1970 Brazil
1966 England
1962 Brazil
1958 Brazil

Now if we take the 1994 Brazil win and add it to there previous win which
was 1970 and add the years we get..

Brazil 1994 + 1970 = 3964

If we do the same for Germany...
Germany 1990 + 1974 = 3964!!!

And Argentina
Argentina 1986 + 1978 = 3964???

So who will win this time?
If we subtract 2006 from 3964 we will get the winner this year.
3964 - 2006 = 1958
Brazil

How about that.

Écrit par : rol 26/06/2006 01:09

Écrit par : joanne_192 27/06/2006 21:57

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in
and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to
make the Van Gogh."

___________________________________________________________________________

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

___________________________________________________________________________

>GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
>2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
>4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
>5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
>6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
>7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
>2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
>4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
>2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
>4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
>5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
>6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short. Dance naked

Écrit par : joanne_192 27/06/2006 22:22

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

Écrit par : joanne_192 27/06/2006 22:47

The Israeli Doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
The German Doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The Russian Doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
Not to be outdone, the American Doctor says, "You guys are way behind. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

Écrit par : joanne_192 16/08/2006 23:52

* LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER*

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Écrit par : joanne_192 17/08/2006 00:21

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I
know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Don't mess with Old People...

Eh oui, très macho, mais....que deviens-tu Cdoris ? plus de blagues ?

Écrit par : cdoris 17/08/2006 09:54

Un grand classique : excellente !

Mes sources d'approvisionnement anglo-saxonnes sont actuellement silencieuses (en dehors de toi ), mais tout va bien !

Écrit par : joanne_192 05/10/2006 00:04

Eh bien, rien depuis le 17 août ? Je suis très étonnée!

Écrit par : joanne_192 05/10/2006 00:43

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Écrit par : cdoris 06/10/2006 10:25

Désolé, mes sources semblent presque taries

Écrit par : cdoris 06/10/2006 10:31

Mais pas complètement

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?
The chief replied, "She was my bike."

Écrit par : joanne_192 06/10/2006 16:25

Excellent!!

Écrit par : cdoris 09/10/2006 09:22

Zen for those who take life too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was not familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 90 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird! may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Après ça, c'est fini pour le moment !

Écrit par : joanne_192 09/10/2006 12:35

Equivalent de la blague belge:

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had
the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.


Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"







"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."




@ cdoris: number 36 is so true !!

Écrit par : cdoris 10/10/2006 17:12

You're right !

Écrit par : joanne_192 10/10/2006 23:47

Enjoy this! At least we have all our limbs...! ( At least , I think so, maybe YOU haven't...glups)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs .
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman said, ' Have you ever been f****d?"
The fellow said "No".

..






She said "You will be when the tide comes in

Écrit par : cdoris 11/10/2006 07:20

I've got some

Écrit par : joanne_192 11/10/2006 14:18

Not all ?

Écrit par : cdoris 12/10/2006 10:06

Let me check : 1, 2, 3, 4...

Écrit par : Winche 12/10/2006 11:22

Écrit par : joanne_192 31/10/2006 23:39

5 ?

Écrit par : joanne_192 01/11/2006 00:29

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

Écrit par : joanne_192 02/11/2006 21:51

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses"

The defendant smiled.







With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Écrit par : Fabrick 04/11/2006 01:33

Hello Joanne192,
As you are speaking very well english, maybe you shoud propose to built a new part of the forum to give us some english lessons.

Pffffffff. je me suis déchiré là pour faire une phrase en anglais. Si il y a des fautes faut me le dire, j'ai décidé de me remettre à l'anglais... depuis 2 minutes.

Écrit par : joanne_192 05/11/2006 12:53

First a joke that made me laugh out loud!!

A Nightie To Remember . . . ( a nightie is alovely shirt ladies sometimes wear to sleep )


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.


He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.


He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.







Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd
at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.


Well done Fabrick! However, I have spent my life giving English lessons! Now I don't have to, so I'll just put in jokes from time to time! But if you like, you can write in English and I'll correct it.

Écrit par : Fabrick 05/11/2006 19:29

Are you sure ? Because i wouldn't give to you a lot of work, because my english is not very good... for exemple, I have never understood how to use "may" in sentence with verbs...

Écrit par : cdoris 06/11/2006 17:12

You should try, it may work

Écrit par : joanne_192 06/11/2006 21:56

Ah! Well done Cdoris! Actually Fabrick, many AngloSaxons live very well without using ' may ' !! You can/may use 'might' instead, or ' can'.
edit: I have to remind you that the first person singular is ALWAYS a capital I !!

Écrit par : Fabrick 06/11/2006 22:02

Ok I will try to use correctly may or might... and always use the I Capital for the first person singular...

C'est fou comme je progresse à une vitesse...

Écrit par : joanne_192 06/11/2006 23:10

You are not progressing yet! That was an easy lesson!! however, you may (! ) enjoy this, which I believe I have already posted.

url=http://www.jesusandmo.net/2006/08/21/know/

In these times of Political Correctness, these comics are extremely refreshing, I find! ( Mo: Mahomet, for the slow thinkers ...) I really do recommend them. They are published in a rationalist Mag i.e. non- and even anti- religious. So, Enjoy!

edit: I think that smiley called ninja looks like a veiled woman....

Écrit par : joanne_192 14/11/2006 14:07

The Old Poodle

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Écrit par : cdoris 14/11/2006 14:54

Excellent !

Écrit par : cdoris 28/11/2006 17:39

Do you know Ali G ?

See: http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com and search for "Ali G"

About feminism :
http://forum.ripp-it.com/redirect.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fyoutube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DoftOCN1jkNo

Écrit par : joanne_192 28/11/2006 22:44

Excellent! But is that woman really taking him seriously ?

Écrit par : cdoris 29/11/2006 10:50

Sure !

It's just like Raphaël Mezrahi, trying to trap people.

It's amazing how people can keep calm in such situations.

Écrit par : sykes2477 05/12/2006 18:38

Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyy...
Guess who's back ???
am I wrong or is it a topic that you've alrady talked about in French translated ??!!??

Écrit par : cdoris 06/12/2006 09:42

You're perfectly right

Écrit par : joanne_192 07/12/2006 21:43

Here are some fascinating quotations!
Bushisms


Adventures in George W. Bushspeak


"The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done." --George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words." --George W. Bush, interview with Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 1, 2006

"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one." --George W. Bush, Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

Maria Bartiromo: "I'm curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?"
President Bush: "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes." --interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo, Oct. 24, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"We're never been stay the course, George." --George W. Bush, attempting to distance himself from what has been his core strategy in Iraq for the last three years, interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, Oct. 22, 2006

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th." --George W. Bush, on the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006 (Watch video clip)

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards." --George W. Bush, on holding six-party talks with North Korea, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006

"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --George W. Bush, talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma because there is -- my point is, there's a strong will for democracy." --George W. Bush, interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Sept. 24, 2006
"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions." --George W. Bush, meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, N.Y., Sept. 18, 2006

"The Patriot Act has increased the flow of information within our government and it has helped break up terrorist cells in the United States of America. And the United States Congress was right to renew the terrorist act -- the Patriot Act." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. , Sept. 7, 2006

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares. ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list." --George W. Bush, interview with NBC's Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006

"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." --George W. Bush, talking to reporters along the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast, Gulfport, Miss., Aug. 28, 2006

"I would guess, I would surmise that some of the more spectacular bombings are done by al Qaeda suiciders." --George W. Bush, on violence in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Aug. 21, 2006

"The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks." --George W. Bush, McLean, Va., Aug. 15, 2006

"See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over." --George W. Bush, chomping on a dinner roll while talking about the Middle East crisis with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, St. Petersburg, Russia, July 17, 2006

"One thing is clear, is relations between America and Russia are good, and they're important that they be good." --George W. Bush, Strelna, Russia, July 15, 2006

"I've reminded the prime minister-the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006

"We shouldn't fear a world that is more interacted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 27, 2006

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
--an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

"I tell people, let's don't fear the future, let's shape it." --George W. Bush, Omaha, Neb., June 7, 2006

"Trying to stop suiciders -- which we're doing a pretty good job of on occasion -- is difficult to do. And what the Iraqis are going to have to eventually do is convince those who are conducting suiciders who are not inspired by Al Qaeda, for example, to realize there's a peaceful tomorrow." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 24, 2006

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." --George W. Bush, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" --George W. Bush, while showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"Finally, the desk, where we'll have our picture taken in front of -- is nine other Presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"That's called, A Charge To Keep, based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion." --George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006

"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2006

"I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." --George W. Bush, Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

"I aim to be a competitive nation." --George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006

"I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it -- I'm going to repeat what I said before -- I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." --George W. Bush, Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006

"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006

"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." --George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006

"After the bombing, most Iraqis saw what the perpetuators of this attack were trying to do." --George W. Bush, on the bombing of the Golden Mosque of Samarra in Iraq, March 13, 2006, Washington, D.C.

"And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level." --George W. Bush, on medical liability reform, Washington, D.C., March 10, 2006

"I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." --George W. Bush, mistakenly identifying Pakistan as an Arab country, Islamabad, Pakistan, March 3, 2006

"People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America." --George W. Bush, on the deal to hand over U.S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D.C., Feb. 23, 2006

"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." --George W. Bush, defending a plan to allow a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to--the beauty of playing baseball." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." --George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go -- you know -- I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." --George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"It's a heck of a place to bring your family." --George W. Bush, on New Orleans, New Orleans, La., Jan. 12, 2006

"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." --George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2006

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

Écrit par : Winche 07/12/2006 22:01

.. or how to give an headache ..

Écrit par : cdoris 08/12/2006 10:49

Great

I travel to the states on Sunday. Do you think I should take a copy of it to show at the custom?

Écrit par : joanne_192 20/12/2006 13:54

Probably not a good idea!!

Écrit par : cdoris 20/12/2006 17:46

I didn't

And I attended a lecture by a greater orator : Al Gore

He started: "I am Al Gore, the former next president of the United States of America..."
... 4 to 5 thousand people laughing...
"... I don't find it funny!"

Later on:"I used to travel on Air Force two... Now, I have to remove my shoes to get into the plane!"

Écrit par : sykes2477 20/12/2006 21:43

What a sense of humour !!!!
I'm not sure I could laugh about it if I was him...

(Sure I'll do, but it's just to say it )

Écrit par : cdoris 22/12/2006 11:45

In flight

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported :

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

To be continued...

Écrit par : sykes2477 27/12/2006 22:16

Great!!! All my colleagues love it

Écrit par : joanne192 01/01/2007 13:28

Here's a little more aviation humour! Just as well the passengers don't hear all this!!

*Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers*_

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Tower:* "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees"

*TWA 2341:* "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"

*Tower:* "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
a 727?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*
>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:* "I'm
f...ing bored!"

*Ground Traffic Control:* "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

*Unknown aircraft:* "I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:* "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

*United 329:* "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A flight student became lost during a solo cross-country flight
*
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked:* "What was
your last known position?"
*
Student:* "When I was number one for takeoff."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

*San Jose Tower Noted:* "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:
*
Lufthansa (in German):* " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

*Ground (in English):* "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
*
Lufthansa (in English):* "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

*Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
*"Because you lost the bloody war!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Tower: * "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
*
Eastern 702:* "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

*Tower:* "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
*
BR Continental 635:* "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

*Speedbird 206:* "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206, clear of active runway."

*Ground:* "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

*Ground:* "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

*Speedbird 206:* "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."!

*Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):* "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

*Speedbird 206 (coolly):* "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

*An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:* "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!" *

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:* "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

And even if they're not true, they're a great laugh!!

Some Christmas puns - I don't get all of them, maybe Cdoris can help ?


"Santa Groaners"

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Claus after he's fallen
into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle. (??)

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes
Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his
manners the most?
"Rude"olph.

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while
sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia.

The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa
Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of
chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer
with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Écrit par : joanne192 02/01/2007 02:30

Voted best Irish joke of 2006



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Écrit par : cdoris 02/01/2007 10:55

Excellent !

Happy New Year !

Écrit par : cdoris 02/01/2007 11:20

In flight... continued !

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 261 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

To be continued

Écrit par : joanne192 16/01/2007 00:37

Excellent !

Seen on tee shirts


(On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush

1/20/09: End of an Error

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Jail to the Chief

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

Already Against the Next War

Pray For Impeachment

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

My Dog Pees On Bushes

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

Nixon Resigned