who'd have kids ? just a joke! Options

[cdoris]

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

It's so true ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/bof.gif)

[cdoris]

In flight... continued !

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

[joanne192]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

[cdoris]

In flight... the end!

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax. and..... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[sykes2477]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_lof.gif)
The 2nd and the 4th are so (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif) !!!
Thanks Cdoris!!

[cdoris]

I love them too (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cling.gif)

[joanne192]

# 4 made me laugh out loud (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif) (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif) (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif) Actually, that is so embarrassing. Last year I was eating plums on a coach ( bus) and some fell out of the paper bag. They were green plums and my trousers were beige. ' were ' is the operative word. One plum was all squashed on my seat and when we got up to leave the coach, the back of my trousers was no longer beige, but dark brown!!!! Awful! Luckily I had a second pair in my case....
Do not sit on plums unless you want to dye ( teindre ) something, the colour never ever comes out, whatever you try!! Be warned! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/aaaa.gif) (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/hem1.gif)

Ce message a été modifié par joanne192 - 19/01/2007 16:32.

[sykes2477]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_lof.gif)

[joanne192]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.



Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."

[cdoris]

Excellent ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

[joanne192]

Some new English words

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then
leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking
up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when
they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids
or start a "home business".

SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This
is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and
processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a
BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at
3am .

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even
though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and
where you've come from.

BRITNEY SPEARS.
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g."Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".


MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor " out
there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got
four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

[sykes2477]

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.

I know about this one a lot!!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo1.gif)

[YannBresil]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo.gif)

[joanne192]

The Challenge ( blague anti-extrémiste, pas anti religion )

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy .

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy , if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent theTrinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."

"Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe."How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger."

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, “we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.
Doctor's Visit

After his exam the doctor said to the man, "You appear to be in good health."Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have ********** with my wife I'm usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have ********** with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
"Very interesting" commented the doctor.

After examining his wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having ********** with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."


Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time.... on a hill....on a curve...in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Ce message a été modifié par joanne192 - 12/02/2007 20:29.

[sykes2477]

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

These are my favorites, but I knew them only in French!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo1.gif)
Thanks Joanne

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It's so true!!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/bof.gif)


(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

[joanne192]

Two Texas Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm
tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll
go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you
would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I have a family."
"Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you are not gay."
"That's right, I'm not gay. That's amazing you were able to find out all
of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."






"Then you're a queer."


ps I have no idea what a weedeater is!!

[sykes2477]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

Neither do I!!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/euh.gif)

But I guess I should say that I have one, just in case I meet Bubba!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo1.gif)

(Correct use of should???)

[joanne192]

Correct!

*Subject:* Football crazies



Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says:
"David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies
"£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too.




I just didn't think he would do it again."

__________________________________

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
-----------------------------------------
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
--------

Ce message a été modifié par joanne192 - 16/03/2007 12:06.

[sykes2477]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)
Joanne must be a Liverpool fan!!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo1.gif)

I heard that in England, people like to gamble (bet?) about anything, it's a bookmaker's paradise!!! True???

Ce message a été modifié par sykes2477 - 16/03/2007 14:28.

[joanne192]

I'm not any football club's fan! However, it's true that you can go into a bookmaker's and bet on anything!
Here's an interesting piece for you all:

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

Ce message a été modifié par joanne192 - 18/03/2007 17:29.