who'd have kids ? just a joke! Options

[cdoris]

2000 Darwin Awards
Here are the winners... and boy, are they winners...we saved the best for last, so be sure to read the Grand Prize winner.
The long awaited 2000 Darwin " Natural Selection " Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We proudly present the 2000 " Natural Selection " awards:...
5th Runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubel and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: " Man loses face at party ". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. " Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it ", said Payne. " It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off. " " He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off ", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, " I feel so dumb about this ".
Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to " hop " over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

[cdoris]

A world survey was done with this question:
" Please, what's your opinion on the lack of food in the rest of the world? "
The result was a failure!!
1 - In Africa no one knew what was " food ";
2 - In Western Europe no one knew what was " Lack ";
3 - In Eastern Europe no one knew what was " opinion ";
4 - In Argentina no one knew what was " Please ";
5 - In the United States of America no one knew what was " rest of the world ".

[cdoris]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have ********** with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the ********** organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. ( Wonder which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having ********** for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have ********** with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. ( Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have ********** with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have ********** for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, as opposed to us eating French cheese which smells of feet)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Damn Those Pigs.

[cdoris]

You think your job is bad...

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.
An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave.
The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, " You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
The young Airman smiled and said, " Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 35 degrees below zero, the wind is blowing 40 miles an hour and I'm pumping shit from an aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

[cdoris]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims : "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

J'ai la réponse. Difficile à traduire...
"Serious Burns" veut dire "grands brulés" bien sur mais il se trouve que Burns est le plus grand poète écossais et que les malades citent ses vers...
Les anglophones trouvent la blague pas mal !

[cdoris]

In the beginning... God said: " go down into that valley"...
And Adam said: " what is a valley?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Cross the river"... And Adam said: "what is a river?" And God explained it to him.
Then God said: " Go over the hill", and he explained what a hill was...
Then God said : " on the other side of the hill, you'll find a cave"...and again he had to explain what it was...
Then he told Adam: "on the cave, you will find a woman" and Adam said: "what is a woman?" So God explained that to him and said: " I want you to reproduce". And Adam said: "How do I do that?"
And God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down in the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and in the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes, he was back.
God said angrily: " what is it now?"
And Adam said: "what's a headache?"

[cdoris]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[cdoris]

" Cowboys and Lesbians "

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am. " After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, " I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women. " A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, " Are you a real cowboy? " To which he replied, " I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian. "

[cdoris]

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" she said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!

[cdoris]

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

[cdoris]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me! Can you help me? I promised my friend that I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below nods his head, saying, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going to. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are now in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[cdoris]

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

[cdoris]

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO, from January 2nd 2002, the Kamasutra position usually known as 69 will now be known as 87.61.

Best Regards,
The Euro Changeover Board

[rol]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_lof.gif)

[lauden]

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo.gif)

[cdoris]

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing
but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband smiles and replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[cdoris]

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In ancient England a person could not have ********** unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having **********.
The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
Now you know where that came from.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

[lauden]

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Sérieux ? (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/euh.gif)

[cdoris]

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Sérieux ? (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/euh.gif)

I don't know (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_coucou.gif)

[cdoris]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...