who'd have kids ? just a joke!

medical advice
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cool.gif) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so..."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. " Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. "
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. " Okay, " says the rabbi to the husband, " let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. "
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, " You see, schmuck, now that's the way to wave a towel!!! "

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck

Signs saying "I Am An Idiot"

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys.

Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. The teller read the note and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign.

Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail: a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well. The cashier refused and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. (Give this guy his!)

Excellent!! Alors, cdoris, où trouves-tu tout cela ? (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

where do you find all these jokes ?

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J'ai des copains sympas un peu partout dans le monde : je n'ai même pas à chercher, j'ai régulièrement des petits mails amusants ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/aga.gif)

Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)

Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.)

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor, Michigan. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Are we out of signs already?

"Several recent studies have shown that one in every four Americans suffers from some form of mental disorder. Think about that, if three of your friends seem normal, then you must be the one."

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Spanish: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
" It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro. "
" Vot do you mean it'z illegal? " asks the German driver. " Quattro meansa four " replies the Italian official. " Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile ", the Germans retort unbelievingly. " Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons. " " You can'ta pulla thata one on me! ", replies the Italian customs agent. " Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law. "
The German driver replies angrily, " You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!
" Sorry ", responds the Italian official, " he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno ".