who'd have kids ? just a joke!

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/gloups.gif) (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

Ceci n'est pas une blague, mais un résumé de la vie de enfants des années 50, 60.

I Can't Believe We Made It!

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a convertible on a warm day was always a special
treat.
Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cupboards, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle; horrors.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on, no one was able to reach us all day.
No mobile phones; unthinkable.
We got cut, and broke bones, and broke teeth, and there were no law-suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to
blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We ate patty cakes, bread and butter, and drank cordial, but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 65 channels on pay TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends.
We went outside and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! All by ourselves !
Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian - how did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
Footy and netball had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own.
Consequences were expected.
There was no one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law - imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 07/03/2006 23:57.

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed ,I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, etsquare, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', We have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every
triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/euh.gif)

MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he
replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?" Without missing beat he says,

Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron ....
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we
needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable

I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay
the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...
Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 26 of May2005.

He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his a **, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_lof.gif)

Oh my God ... oups (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/good.gif)

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go
there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

Class !!! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/aga1.gif)

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/yahoo1.gif)

---- GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,
nephews,or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

lol

Ah ah .. (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/mrgreen2.gif)

Ce message a été modifié par winche - 06/04/2006 00:17.

BLONDE BAPTIST COWGIRL

*A cowgirl, who is visiting South Carolina from Texas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
*
*The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
*
*The cowgirl replies, " Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Texas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
*
*The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
*
*The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
*
*She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
*
*One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
*
*The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
*
*"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
*
*"Hasn't affected my sisters though.

Celle-ci est courte
YOU GOTTA LOVE CHICAGO WOMEN!!

A woman from Chicago and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Chicago, being friendly and all, said:

So, where are you from?"

The East coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from Chicago sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cling.gif)

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/mrgreen2.gif)

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

Sorry to disappoint you all, but I have no more jokes in English for the moment. Maybe some of you know of a site where I can find some ? bz, R

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 18/05/2006 00:48.