who'd have kids ? just a joke!

voici un lien qui va nous rassurer sur le sort des Irakiens:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30610


The Onion, un mag US satirique, à lire!!

George W. Bush, lives in the White House and rules the country. Here
are a few of his quotes:

Russia is no longer our enemy and therefore we shouldn't be locked
into a Cold War mentality that says we keep the peace by blowing each
other up. In my attitude, that's old, that's tired, that's stale.
Dubya

If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to
have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."
Dubya

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal
shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just
unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
Dubya

But I also made it clear to [Vladimir Putin] that it's important to
think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew
each other up, the world would be safe."
Dubya

I simply said that I would do everything to help Taiwan to defend
itself.
Dubya

Home is important. It's important to have a home."
Dubya

I confirmed to the prime minister that we appreciate our friendship."
Dubya

I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but
for predecessors as well."
Dubya

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
Dubya

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Dubya

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child."
Dubya

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
Dubya

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water,
that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
Dubya

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century."
Dubya

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy but that could change."
Dubya

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
Dubya

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Dubya

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments
in the future."
Dubya

"The future will be better tomorrow."
Dubya

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
Dubya

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history."
Dubya

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Dubya

"It's terrible how those killers at Columbine had their hearts turned
dark as a result of being on the Internet."
Dubya

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
Dubya

"Public speaking is very easy."
Dubya

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
Dubya

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the olls."
Dubya

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
Dubya

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
Dubya

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
Dubya

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
Dubya

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
Dubya

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
Dubya

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
Dubya

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dubya

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Dubya

"There has to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."
Dubya

"Is our children learning?"
Dubya

"I understand small business growth. I was one."
Dubya

"Higher education is not my priority."
Dubya

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
Dubya

"Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a—you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."
Dubya

"Secondly, the tactics of our—as you know, we don't have relationships with Iran. I mean, that's—ever since the late '70s, we have no contacts with them, and we've totally sanctioned them. In other words, there's no sanctions—you can't—we're out of sanctions."
Dubya

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." Dubya

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."
Dubya

Three old men are at the doctor's for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three
times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man.








"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Funny:

How to tick people off?

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country."
--- Elayne Boosler

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look
stupid."
--- Hedy Lamarr

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
--- Maryon Pearson

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night."
--- Marie Corelli

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
--- Gilda Radner

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly
promoted as a male schlemiel."
--- Bella Abzug

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then."
--- Katharine Hepburn

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
done, ask a woman."
--- Margaret Thatcher

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
--- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?"
--- Linda Ellerbee

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho
man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

I think - therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
a career."
- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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World cup winners:

2002 Brazil
1998 France
1994 Brazil
1990 Germany
1986 Argentina
1982 Italy
1978 Argentina
1974 Germany
1970 Brazil
1966 England
1962 Brazil
1958 Brazil

Now if we take the 1994 Brazil win and add it to there previous win which
was 1970 and add the years we get..

Brazil 1994 + 1970 = 3964

If we do the same for Germany...
Germany 1990 + 1974 = 3964!!!

And Argentina
Argentina 1986 + 1978 = 3964???

So who will win this time?
If we subtract 2006 from 3964 we will get the winner this year.
3964 - 2006 = 1958
Brazil

How about that.

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Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in
and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to
make the Van Gogh."

___________________________________________________________________________

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. ( licenciés )

At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation:" Panty stitcher. I stitch the elastic in ladies panties" he replied.
Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100 euros a week.
When asked his occupation, Mick replied 'diesel fitter', and since this was skilled work, he was given 200 euros a week.
When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100 euros a week more than him he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more.
The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas
diesel fitting was skilled work.

'What f ** ing skill???' yelled Paddy. "I sew the f ** ing elastic on
the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says "Yep, diesel fitter"

___________________________________________________________________________

>GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
>2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
>4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
>5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
>6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
>7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>
>1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
>2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
>4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
>
>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
>2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
>4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
>5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
>6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short. Dance naked

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 27/06/2006 21:57.

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 27/06/2006 22:23.

The Israeli Doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
The German Doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The Russian Doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
Not to be outdone, the American Doctor says, "You guys are way behind. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

* LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER*

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I
know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Don't mess with Old People...

Eh oui, très macho, mais....que deviens-tu Cdoris ? plus de blagues ? (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_coucou.gif)

Un grand classique : excellente ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

Mes sources d'approvisionnement anglo-saxonnes sont actuellement silencieuses (en dehors de toi (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cling.gif) ), mais tout va bien ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/glass.gif)

Ce message a été modifié par cdoris - 17/08/2006 09:56.

Eh bien, rien depuis le 17 août ? Je suis très étonnée! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_what.gif)

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 05/10/2006 00:04.

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Désolé, mes sources semblent presque taries (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/beuh.gif)