who'd have kids ? just a joke!

The other day the Herald Tribune featured a story from the NY Times titled:
A challenge to circumcision.
Some woman and her lawyer in N. Dakota are suing the doctor and the hospital for circumcising a boy born in 1997. They are claiming " diminished sexual sensation injury. "

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for two years, and now half the country is looking for work."

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".



The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,

and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"



The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."



A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

]wow , dats kwite sumfin
[/quote]

Ce message a été modifié par joanne_192 - 10/11/2005 23:06.

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $2500 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more ?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

For Americans, It's French Sissies Versus German He-Men



By NINA BERNSTEIN

Published: September 28, 2003



I was on display again last week, that old double standard. On camera, Germany's chancellor got a muscular handshake from America's president and a meeting that let bygones be bygones. France's president got the official cold shoulder and columnists' heated denunciations.

Yet France and Germany had taken the same position on the Bush administration's policies in Iraq. Both were offering to help train Iraqi security forces, but not to send soldiers. Both argued that only accelerated Iraqi sovereignty and a larger United Nations role could secure peace.

Apparently, it sounded different in French. Somehow, to American ears, it always does. And at this point in strained trans-Atlantic relations, an obvious explanation comes to mind: in the American imagination, France is a woman, and Germany is just another guy.

The French themselves depict La Belle France as a bare-breasted " Marianne " on the barricades. They export high fashion, cosmetics, fine food - delicacies traditionally linked to a woman's pleasure, if not her boudoir. And French has always been Hollywood's language of love.

Germany, meanwhile, is the Fatherland, its spike helmets retooled into the sleek insignia of cars like the Mercedes and BMW. It also exports heavy machinery and strong beer - products linked to manliness. And notwithstanding Goethe, Schiller and Franka Potente, German is Hollywood's language of war, barked to the beat of combat boots in half a century of movies.

Such images simply overpower facts that do not fit the picture - like decades of German pacifism and French militarism since World War II. So what if France was fighting in Vietnam, Algeria and Africa, and deploying a force of 36,000 troops around the world, while Germans held peace vigils and invented Berlin's Love Parade. For Americans, it seems, World War II permanently inoculated Germans against " the wimp factor " and branded the French indelibly as sissies.

Sure, both countries were dubbed members of the " Axis of Weasel " and dissed as Old Europe for opposing the war in Iraq. But no one poured schnapps down the toilet, renamed sauerkraut or made prime-time jokes denigrating German manhood. Only France can evoke that kind of frat-boy frenzy.

" It's in the way we view both countries, " said Irwin M. Wall, a historian of French-American relations. " We view Germany as producing iron and steel, and we view France as producing perfume and haute couture. You'll never get America out of this stereotype that France is a feminine country. "

Of course, Mr. Wall added, when Secretary of State Colin L. Powell refers to America and France as having been in marriage counseling for 225 years, " you know darn well he means we're the male partner. "

American officials have long used sexist stereotyping as diplomatic strategy. Franklin Roosevelt once declared that Charles de Gaulle knew no more about economics " than a woman knows about a carburetor. " In 1953, Life magazine likened the French government to " a big can-can chorus " and France itself to a showgirl slipping a billion-dollar bill's worth of American aid into her stocking.

Frank Costigliola, a historian at the University of Connecticut, gives many such examples in his book " France and the United States: The Cold Alliance Since World War II. " He contends that giving France negative " feminine " traits has always served to delegitimize French points of view.

" Associated with France as a woman is France as hysterical, or France as crazy, " he said. " It really is a knee-jerk reaction. "

Robert O. Paxton, an emeritus professor of history at Columbia University, agreed. " It's an American stereotype and an American strategy, " he stressed. " There are elements in our culture that the Bush people can play on in stereotyping France as feminine. "

The paradox, added Mr. Paxton, the author of " Vichy France, " is that the French hold a mirror stereotype about America. " They believe the American male has been completely emasculated, and American women rule the roost. "

Australian bricklayer report
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry

Ce message a été modifié par cdoris - 12/11/2005 14:33.

George W. Bush has an audience with the Queen Elizabeth. During the course of conversation he asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how will I know if the people around me are intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Simply ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. I will demonstrate." She presses her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me, your highness." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

The following day, back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure Mr. President. Let me get back to you on that." So Cheney goes to his advisors and poses the question, but none can give him an answer.

Later on he stops off at the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell calls out, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!".

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answerscame out, Fireman, Policeman salesman, Chippy,etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

-‘My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. »

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little

Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

-« No » said Edward » He plays Rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed to say »

I thought he played football for France ?

You may be right ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/bof.gif)

Four Ghosts

THE FOUR GHOSTS OF THE WHITE HOUSE

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his
White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.
Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do
to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
Washington advises and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again and sees the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened
bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the
best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson
advises and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for
Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over
his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best
thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies
and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees
another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost
of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush leads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do
right now to help the country?"



Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

NEWS.....There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there can not be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious
reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a
virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable. (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cling.gif)

Merci Rol du tuyau!!
New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

(IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/an_ouarf.gif)

I almost fell this morning... ice on the sidewalk (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/cling.gif)

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say,
You foreigners! Come in! Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said “ I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at **********."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the ********** god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a ********** freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,





"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

What a mistake ! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/aaaa.gif)

Yes, indeed! (IMG:http://forum.ripp-it.com/style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)